Sometimes the best laid plans fail. This is true in life in general, but reaches a whole new dimension when working with elders. Even when dementia isn’t a factor, sometimes it falls flatter than a busted balloon.
Speaking of balloons…even though Muriel was the grumpiest person I knew with no family and only one friend, her 100th birthday was approaching and it seemed wrong to not celebrate in some way. We made modest plans. The dietary department told us she liked chocolate and had a sweet tooth, so I made a chocolate cake and we bought some helium balloons declaring the momentous event.
That afternoon a small group of us trooped down the hall to her room. Perhaps she thought it was one of her caregivers, so she opened the door to us, but when she saw the cake and balloons and we began to sing, the door was resoundly shut in our faces. And locked.
For a moment we stood silent, too shocked to react. Then we began to giggle. Oh well. we tried.
Creativity and Flexibility/Support
If you are a planner, this can be difficult for you. “Outside the box” thinking leaves you cold. “The box gives structure and holds the plan together–why would anyone want to stray from that?” If this is your comfort zone, you may have struggled during the pandemic, when plans changed and changed and changed again and you never knew what to plan. With elders, sickness, dementia, “he’s not having a good day,” weather, mood–all kinds of things can influence the best laid plans. Seasoned care partners realize that often the best moments happen spontaneously and the carefully planned events might or might not be great. 
How do you deal with it when the plan didn’t work, or was far less special than you hoped? Look for support.
If you believe you don’t have a creative bone in your body and you like to know and stick to the plan, then you may need some help from supportive friends, even if they aren’t care partners. It may be that the person who drives you the most nuts–never seems to have concrete goals, has no concept of time, can’t tick off the boxes; this person may be the one to help you see other possibilities. Perhaps together you can look at various outcomes and realize ahead of time that your well-constructed dream might turn out differently.
Sometimes it’s a case of adjusting expectations. Dad didn’t recognize anyone in the room, not even you. But the antics of the children made him smile. Let that be enough.
If you need creativity to help solve a problem, call on creative friends, family members and even professionals, such as staff at the care home or a pastor. There is strength in using the gifts of others.
Trustworthy/Dependability
Care partners are given huge responsibilities for decision-making, property, health etc. They need to be someone you can trust with your life.
In the library full of stories from my career sits a volume I call “The Chair.” Even when considering sharing it, I cringe. It wasn’t my finest moment, and I lost trust that I had been building because of it.
You know those plush recliners with motors? On the remote, a simple switch helps them go up and down and they are great for elders who have trouble transferring from a chair. Often after a resident had passed away, families donated them and they were like gold. We would move them from room to room as residents needed them.
George had a chair, and I distinctly remembered pushing it down the hall to his room many months earlier. However, his mobility had changed and he no longer used it, or so I thought. He also needed space in his room for equipment as he now had a wheelchair. I was leaving for a week’s vacation and one of the tasks I completed before I left was to move the chair from George’s room to that of another lady who was waiting for one. She was delighted.
We weren’t supposed to check email on vacation, but I could never resist. (Second mistake. The first was not calling George’s family before doing anything, which would have saved the whole debacle from happening.) It turned out my memory of pushing it down the hall must have been to someone else’s room, as George’s family had bought that chair and wanted to know what happened to it. Evening staff also said he sat in the chair every night. What a mess.
I came home and did my best to fix the predicament I had created. I got the chair cleaned and put back. I apologized to the family over and over again, and got the other lady a new chair. My boss had a serious talk with me about reading emails on vacation. I ate so much humble pie I just about exploded with it.
In the end, because I had been dependable in the past, I was able to mend my bridges and build trust again. The lady liked her new chair better and gave me a much-needed hug. I learned lessons in communication, not trusting my memory (!) and not trying to rush through tasks. I learned that trust built over time is precious and must be guarded.
Care partners, no matter how badly you have failed, and no matter how terrible you feel about it, it’s the day-to-day dependability that matters. Do your best, pick up the pieces when you need to and go forward.
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