I used to joke with Mary that I wanted her son to adopt me. Beautiful sweaters and blouses spilled out of the stuffed drawers of her dresser. Although she didn’t walk any more, so she didn’t wear them out, she had shoes for every occasion in her cupboard. She had coats, purses and other clothing galore. She got her hair done weekly, her nails painted and her son gave blanket permission for any trip she wanted to attend.
An only child, he was definitely a good son. I also knew, because we’d chatted on many occasions, that he suffered from caregiver guilt. His mother had lived with him for many years, but came to the place where she needed more help. Of course he loved her and wanted the best for her, and his heart broke at seeing her slow decline. But he felt unreasonable guilt. He had to work and couldn’t care for her on his own. Truly, I doubt she would have wanted him to perform the more personal tasks she needed.
Caregiver guilt is like that. Totally irrational at times, it persists in the face of 
reasonable facts. “I know it’s crazy to feel this way, but I do.” Like so many aspects of caring for elders, not everything works all the time, but here are some tools and suggestions which may help.
Identify Caregiver Guilt
Recognize that the root of what you are feeling is guilt. Because it’s not logical and guilt is a complex emotion, it may take some time to understand your feelings.
Give Yourself a Break
You may be balancing your roles as mom, employee, sibling and daughter as well as caregiver. Some days, even many days, you will feel that you aren’t fulfilling any of them well. When a few “failures” overwhelm you, you can spiral into depression. Giving yourself a break is hard! When I get in this state, I find it helps to both acknowledge my insufficiencies (I lost my temper and I forgot an appointment) and write out what I’m coping with and how I feel about it. There is something healing about words on paper.
Ask. For. Help.
You knew I would get to this, right? I say it over and over, but only because it’s essential. My suggestion is to talk to family and friends and be honest about what you are feeling and what you need. Look at something regular, even if it’s only once a month. If you have three or four people who can give you a break once a month, you can look forward to some “me” time.
Also, look for help which takes over some of the tasks, such as grocery shopping or cleaning, and help which gives you the gift of time–to sleep, to shop for you, to be alone. Whatever nourishes you.
Deal With Resentment
It’s a fact of life that some families are happy to let you do all the work. If, after you’ve communicated your needs clearly, they don’t come forth, let go of the natural resentment you may feel. If you let it brew, it can turn you into a person you don’t like. This is another opportunity to write out your feelings, perhaps several times, then move on and look for help elsewhere. You may need to pay for respite care, which could lead to more feelings of guilt because you already finance care for your elder. Will they think you don’t want time with them? Remind yourself that in order to continue to give to them, you need time for you.
Most communities offer free programs (or at minimal cost) for elders, but if you can’t find a good fit, look for someone who will come in for a short time to be with them.
Here’s a short video with some practical suggestions:
Next week: Disabling those voices in your head.
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