I’m planning a wedding for this fall. Yes, my own. (Insert wild applause here.)
Amidst the joy (this man is the one I prayed for) the fun (getting in touch with my crafty side) the work (sewing four flower girls’ dresses) and the angst (will my “country-chic” wedding look like a kindergartener put it together?) another problem has emerged.
Sometimes involving an elder in a celebration involves more than issuing an invitation.
One elder I’m inviting is fully able to get herself around, but she lives in another city and doesn’t drive. I can get her there, but haven’t figured out how to get her home, and I don’t want her taking public transit late at night.
Another elder has multiple physical issues. She’s incredibly dear to me, and I would move heaven and earth to get her there, but I also have to accept that her attendance will depend on how she’s feeling that day, and it may not work. I want what is best for her.
Summer is full of celebrations, large and small. Family gatherings, barbecues, lunches and dinners. When the weather is fine, even a cup of tea together can be a celebration. But in your planning, how do you include the elders in your life? And is there a time when that’s not the best idea? Let’s explore it this month.
Your Family Traditions Weren’t Given to Moses on Tablets of Stone
Traditions grow from all kinds of sources. In my family, we had a tradition for Christmas Eve. I worked at Baskin Robbins as a cake decorator, and was busy until 6:00 p.m. I would race home and we’d enjoy a special meal before rushing out the door to the Christmas Eve service at church, another important tradition. Our meal consisted of pizza, because it was easy, the kids loved it, and my husband didn’t cook. We always had egg nog with it, because…well…Christmas. And de-alcoholized champagne, to celebrate and make it special. This meal became a tradition long after I quit Baskin Robbins and didn’t need to rush in late. We loved it.
But then the kids grew up. Now the tradition is a sweet memory.
The key to traditions is to enjoy them for what they are, but don’t let them become shackles which destroy the occasion. Don’t let anyone say, “It’s just not _________unless________.” Because it can be. Traditions can be modified. Or left behind altogether.
- Was Grandma’s potato salad a must at every family gathering? Can someone else make it?
- Did Grandpa always tell the same story from his childhood about the goat? Maybe his son can tell it this time.
- Did you always play board games as a family? Maybe Grandma and Grandpa can be part of a team with other family members. Or be the cheering section.
Be creative. If there’s a way to incorporate your traditions in the fun, do it. If it’s time for them to become a memory, take the plunge and start a new tradition.
Modify, Modify, Modify
Since we’re being so flexible, here are a few more questions to ask.
- There were years when your children were small and travel was difficult, so your elders came to you for family parties. Is it time for that to change?
- Large family parties can be fun, but also overwhelming, and not just for the elders. Is it time to consider several smaller gatherings?
- Not everything needs to be a big deal. How about a walk together or a cup of tea with a family member they don’t see often?
Summer is a time when the isolation elders often feel can be overcome through visits and family gatherings, as long as careful thought and preparation goes into them. It’s worth it, for everyone.
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