Sheryl had read about caregiver stress. She knew the signs–feeling overwhelmed, tired all the time, sad, no interest in activities she used to like, and more. She’d experienced them all at some point. Dan had good days when life seemed almost normal, but their number had shrunk, and she struggled to transition from her role as wife to the difficult role of wife/care partner. Some days she felt like she didn’t get any part of it right, and the guilt seemed to drown her.
Then the pandemic started.
She added a whole new set of fears every time she left the house. Dan didn’t understand the mask and kept taking it off. He would touch everything, and her anxiety brought fresh levels of isolation to their lives. They couldn’t go anywhere and no one could come in and although she loved Dan with all her heart, she despaired at how long she would be stuck in the house with him.
When 2020 slid into 2021, people around her rejoiced, saying, “This year will be better.” Sheryl didn’t believe it. Vaccines held a glimmer of hope, but the whole process took forever, and in the meantime she and Dan had a major case of cabin fever. Even without dementia, the stress of being together 24/7 took its toll. The pandemic sent her stress to new levels.
Do you relate?
Over the next months, through research, trial and error and talking to others, Sheryl learned some skills which helped.
What matters?
Early in our marriage, my husband changed jobs every few years until he found his niche. We learned the process of resumes and interviewing well, and he told me something I never forgot. He said that each company had some basic “what matters” principles and he needed to find those out before the interview. Everyone espoused the basics like honesty and integrity, but knowing “what matters” could make or break an interview. Some companies valued a certain dress code, others loved innovation, some wanted assurance that you followed the rules. If you knew what mattered to that company, you were miles ahead in the interview.
So, what matters in your elder’s life? Are there routines that need to happen every day for peace to ensue? Do certain foods ensure a happy mood? Does relative quiet bring serenity or a type of music bring joy? When Sheryl thought about it, she started making a list. Over time, she both added to and modified the entries.
On good days, what mattered didn’t matter as much. They could try a different meal or do something they’d never experienced before. But on difficult days, the list would sometimes bring harmony in the storm. Dan loved ice cream, and Sheryl didn’t care if they’d just finished breakfast or bedtime loomed, she pulled out a bowl if it brought peace. She discovered he loved audiobooks and could best relate to the young adult genre. She kept his earbuds and easy chair at the ready. He loved to see his grandchildren and she had videos of them on the iPad that he could watch over and over. By identifying what mattered, she kept a variety of tools she could pull out at any time.
Healthy Lifestyle
Sheryl knew the whole “eat right-exercise-get enough sleep” routine. Didn’t everyone? But sometimes she rushed through meal preparation and pulled whatever prepared meal jumped into her hand from the freezer. Both of them had difficulty sleeping at night and you can’t make sleep happen. Dan would sometimes nap but she couldn’t and no part of her wanted to drag her exhausted body out for a walk or other exercise.
Over time, Sheryl discovered a few tricks that helped. One day when her arthritis bothered her and she didn’t want to stand in the kitchen for long, she cut up all her vegetables ahead of time and put them in zip-locked bags. Dan, interested in the process, wanted to help. He could wield a knife as long as she monitored. They had a fun hour chopping and chatting and she couldn’t believe how much easier it made meal preparation. She also learned how to order groceries online. It saved her energy, limited her trips out and the minimal cost didn’t hurt her budget. After a few orders, she realized she hadn’t bought the prepared foods, so that temptation left them.
She struggled with sleep. Grumpy and uncooperative, she cajoled Dan not only to give up his nap but to take a walk with her. Thinking he might have a meltdown on the 
street, she steeled herself, but when he saw the forsythia bush in bloom and the tulips beginning to show themselves his mood brightened. The next day she suggested they “go look for flowers” and he had his coat on before her.
She purchased one of those sleep apps, which did nothing for her, but the combination of a little exercise, no nap and the app made Dan fall asleep for the night.
She forced herself to turn off the TV about 8:00 p.m. and spent the rest of the evening reading a book.
She risked buying a weighted blanket. She’d heard mixed reviews and avoided them because she always felt hot in bed and the reviews mentioned that as a complaint. Then she saw a cooled one. She took the plunge and it worked! Not magical, she still suffered a few nights a week with poor sleep, but on the nights she slept she felt more able to face what the next day brought.
Trial and more trial defines dealing with stress. What works for you? Let me know in the comments box, because another care partner may not have thought of your suggestion.
Next week: What can I control?
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