“Who’s looking after me tonight?”
“Amelia”
“I don’t know Amelia. Where’s Tracy?” (her regular care partner)
“Tracy’s on vacation, but Amelia has looked after you many times. She knows what to do.”
“But I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t have to know. Amelia will look after you. She knows what to do.”
“Is it a shower night?”
“Yes, it’s Tuesday. But Amelia knows what to do to give you a shower.”
“But I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t need to know. Amelia will look after you.”
“I’m so afraid.”
“We’re all here to look after you. Everything will be fine.”
“My hands are shaking.”
“Your hands shake all the time. That’s nothing new.”
“I’m afraid. Don’t leave.”
“Amelia will look after you.”
” I don’t know Amelia.”
This is an excerpt of an actual conversation. I say “excerpt” because the actual conversation continued for about 45 minutes, and only ended because I left for the day. I have this discussion in various forms every night. The only difference is, showers are only twice a week.
Do you ever have conversations in your head when you’re frustrated? Do you want to walk away from the room, throw up your arms in dismay or plug your ears and sing, “La,la,la,la,la.” Do you ever think, “Make it stop!”?
The journey of the care partner can be difficult. Topping the list of challenges is conversations that go nowhere, have no resolution and never stop. They require incredible patience and some days, it just can’t be found.
How do you handle it when impatient words and sharp retorts are running through your head, threatening to find their way out your mouth? When you can’t listen to the same circular debate one more time but you know you have to.
Here are some tips:
1. Do everything you can to get enough sleep. You can’t cope with anything when you are overtired. If you are being wakened in the night or having trouble sleeping because you are consumed with worry about a wanderer, you may need to hire help. Even a few good nights’ sleep a week can help.
2. Make sure you get breaks. Remember those friends and family members who said, “Let me know if I can help.”? Now’s the time to give them a call. Have them come for a visit during the times when the litany is the worst, and you leave the building.
3. Try distraction. It doesn’t always work, but occasionally the right stimulus will derail the anxiety train. A walk, looking at pictures together, ice cream. I’m not above saying, “Would you like an ice cream sundae?” Hey, desperate measures. Other distractions that sometimes work are looking through familiar photo albums, snuggling with animals and playing with small children.
4. Don’t check your sense of humour at the door. Sometimes a sense of humour is the only thing that gets you through. When I start the same conversation for the 12th time, I tend to get the giggles. It’s important to remain respectful so you may need to hide in the bathroom until the hilarity passes.
5. Tip #5 is yours. What do you do to maintain sanity during cyclical conversations with someone with dementia and anxiety? How do you cope? Reply in the comments and share your best wisdom.
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Cre Partner Wednesday–5 Tips to Retain Your Sanity