Think of these scenarios:
George was a great husband and father. He took his boys to innumerable hockey practices and provided for his family. He and his wife went out dancing and the family enjoyed many vacations together. He was a great dad and husband. Now George is elderly. He describes the working of his mind as being “cloudy.” He has dementia, is incontinent and spends most of his life in a wheelchair. His gravelly voice is difficult to understand. How do you help George find purpose?
Flo was a strong, independent woman all her life. She gave her life serving others, but on her terms. Now her body betrays her every day. She can no longer walk and lives in chronic pain. It galls her every time she has to ask for help, and this happens several times a day. She is sinking into depression and doesn’t understand why God doesn’t take her home. Where is the purpose for Flo?
In their marriage, Pat was the strong one. A woman who spent her life being in charge, she was a care partner for her husband for over a year as dementia changed the man she knew. Brave and capable, she faced the inevitable on the day when she had to move him to long-term care. She’d known this day was coming for several years, and she felt ready. What she wasn’t ready for, though, was to find him totally settled and happy in his new room in a couple of weeks. He seemed to enjoy the freedom of being on his own and it shook everything she knew about their marriage. Pat no longer understood her role and floundered as she looked for purpose. How can we help Pat find her way?
Purpose involves helping your loved one find what makes them feel valued.
As care partners, helping your loved one find their purpose might be the most important journey you take together.
Here’s what purpose isn’t:
1. Purpose isn’t busy work. I remember a person who ran activities and felt that people with dementia would find purpose in folding towels. She brought them an armload and demonstrated how to fold them. When she came back later, she thanked them for the fine work they’d done and took the towels in another room. There she shook them out and returned with “more towels to fold.” That isn’t purpose.
2. Purpose isn’t simply to pass the time. An activity which excites one resident may be just filling in the hours for another. “I’ll go because I have nothing better to do.” That’s not purpose.
3. Purpose is not entertainment or even socializing. These are fun and enriching, but not purpose.
Purpose is both individual and elusive. It involves knowing the person well but also understanding that the activity which was important to them a few years ago may not make life purposeful now. We grow. We change.
Here are some statements which are useful in exploring purpose with an elder.
“I really enjoyed it when we______________. How did you feel about it?” (watch for body language.)
“I need to ask your opinion about______________.”
“I learned so much from you when we talked about__________.”
“Can we go for a walk together? I could really use some time with a friend today.”
“Would you be able to help me with ____________?”
It may be that your elder finds their purpose on their own. I see it every day.
- One lady at a table for four looks out for the others. She has aphasia and can’t express herself well, but with gestures and a few words, she indicates that she’s worried that one of her tablemates isn’t eating. If she feels she needs help, she stands by her shoulder until someone notices there is a problem. She cares about her friend and looks out for her.
- Another resident who raised a family and is comfortable in the kitchen bustles in and asks for a job. One day she washes all the teacups, another she sweeps the floor.
- A lady came to a flower arranging program. She didn’t often leave her room, so this was huge. Another resident began to help her find her way, suggesting what flower to choose and where to put them. After a few minutes, they were both engrossed in the project.
- An entertainer came to play some music, and a resident hosted the event, getting him the specific chair he wanted, some water, and bringing people to the event.
- Two ladies sat beside each other at a tea party, clasping hands in companionable silence.