Jenny was in a bad way. Her body stiffened as a spasm overtook her. Her legs flailed straight out, unable to bend at the knee. Her hands clutched the arms of her wheelchair with white-knuckled strength. Eyes bugging out, whatever was happening to her body obviously terrified her.
With slow, measured steps, Alice approached her. Usually totally absorbed in herself and the world of her anxieties, Alice reached out and rubbed Jenny’s arm. “It’s okay, Jenny. It’s going to be okay. Just relax.” Alice stood and rubbed for several minutes until Jenny’s board-stiff body slumped into the chair.
Caring reaches both ways. It goes from elder to elder, and from elder to care partner. Each time it’s a precious gift, but like any gift, it must be recognized, acknowledged and received.
Many times, our role as care partner grows to such enormous proportions, it overtakes all other roles, and we miss the gift of reciprocal care. Our actions are all about care, our thoughts are anticipating the next need and our emotions are strained. I, personally, need to stop several times a day and recognize when a gift is offered to me.
Bonnie is often anxious and this manifests in calling out. It’s disturbing to other residents and staff, and Bonnie isn’t too popular among her peers in the neighbourhood. Often I spent time with her, trying to distract her and bring her to a calmer place. That’s me giving care, but in the midst of these times, I’ve received as well. Bonnie loves clothes and jewelry, and will often remark on mine. Suddenly, we’re not care partner and elder, but two women discussing fashion. I leave her room smiling and feeling good about how I look that day. It’s at this point I need to pause and recognize the gift that Bonnie has given me.
For some care partners, thinking of their elder caring for them is difficult. This is understandable, isn’t it? Care is what they do, sometimes with few breaks. Their entire focus is care, giving and planning the next move. The next meal, the next bath, the next trip to the doctor’s office. It’s a radical thought to be cared for by an elder.
But it’s oh, so lovely! When one of my elders worries about my trip home on a stormy night and offers to share her bed with me, when I laugh with another, when we sit outside and talk about the life we see going by, I am enriched. These are the times I need to acknowledge, and let the elder know how they have blessed my life. “Thank you for spending this time with me. I had so much fun.” As we mentioned last week, elders feel purpose when they know they have contributed.
Finally, it’s important to receive. Imagine you go to a friend with a beautifully wrapped gift and present it to them, and they say, “You shouldn’t have done that.” and push it away. Imagine if they then start doing something for you? How would it make you feel? Incompetent? Unworthy? Useless? Keep your eyes open and your antenna poised, looking for the gifts you receive from your elder.
You will find them everywhere.
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Care Partner Wednesday–When You Care For Me