My friend, who I will call Jane, has been going through hell as a care partner. Her husband is suffering from a serious form of brain cancer, and their lives have been one crisis after another lately. Surgery after surgery, infection, seizures and multiple hospitalizations. Each day is a roller coaster of emotions, as she tries to negotiate devastating decisions while encouraging him. It’s exhausting in every way.
Recently, Jane told me of several scenarios where “friends” questioned her decisions. They stopped visiting. They refused to go out with her husband because they felt uncomfortable. They said she shouldn’t have encouraged her husband to have his latest surgery (although it saved his life.) They said he didn’t want more surgery, although he had expressed many times that he wanted to live. They made her question herself at a time when she is feeling most vulnerable, and most in need of support.
These “friends” aren’t the kind who read what I have to say, but maybe others have experienced this incredibly insensitive behaviour. So, to these “friends” I say, “How dare you?”
How dare you presume you know best? You have no idea the pain this couple is going through as they navigate this difficult journey. I hope you never will know how this feels because I doubt you could handle it with the grace Jane has.
How dare you question these decisions that are made through pain and tears? What gives you the right?
And at this time, when your friend needs the gift of your friendship more than ever in your relationship, and his wife needs your support and perhaps a break for a few hours, what gives you the right to withdraw, because you feel uncomfortable?
Dear “friend,” you are not a friend. I have told Jane to get new friends, and that’s happening. The couple who visit her husband in the hospital. The ones who bring meals or offer to shop for them. The ones who listen. I’m thankful there are people in their lives that go beyond themselves and what is comfortable and give to Jane and her husband. I am praying God sends more–an abundance of real friends who care.
Jane’s experience can teach us all. When someone you love is a care partner:
1) Be there. Find out what they need, however practical, and actually do it. Shop, make dinner, clean the house, babysit–these gifts will never be forgotten.
2) Never, never say, “Call me if you need something.” That’s putting the responsibility on the already overburdened care partner. Instead, find out what they need and do it.
3) Listen. Don’t fix, don’t judge, don’t give opinions unless asked. Just listen. It’s truly a gift.
4) Be thankful. As you support your friend going through their journey, thank God for every day He has given you. Never take it for granted.
CLICK TO TWEET