“I’ll deal with that later. There’s too much to make sense of right now.”
If you are new to the role of caregiver, it’s tempting to take this attitude about getting support. Your elder needs assistance, but probably you’ve already started the process of getting medical backup for them. After all, you are their support, right? Help for you can come later, after everything else is figured out.
Wrong.
Baycrest Health Sciences, a leader in geriatric healthcare services in Toronto, says differently. Listen to this social worker from Baycrest explain how critical this is to both you and your elder.
Finding support is not an option. Without it, you will burn out quickly, which brings multiple negative complications for you and your elder. Burnout affects health, mood and cognitive status, but in my mind the greatest negative effect is on your relationship. You’ve just learned that your time with your elder is more limited than you were expecting, and their cognition will deteriorate as time passes. For the benefit of both of you, I challenge you to do whatever you can to make every day together the best it can be. Find support.
Family
I am close to a family who is caring for both their parents. Each of the four daughters has a different situation, but they each do what they can, providing emotional encouragement to each other and working together with paid caregivers. It’s never easy, but the fact that they have each other makes it possible.
Not all families are like this, and often care falls to one person. There may be geographic challenges, where not everyone lives close enough to have regular input. Maybe some family members are unable to physically help due to health issues. Or, because family relationships can be difficult, there can be conflict.
My suggestion is to call a family meeting. Using Zoom or a similar vehicle, bring the family together to talk. Write a list ahead of time of needs and possible solutions. Can they visit or take your elder out on a regular basis? Can they provide a meal? Perhaps they could contribute financially to help with a paid caregiver or respite. Could they FaceTime or Zoom if you set it up? Make sure you:
- Keep calm. Don’t be drawn into family drama.
- Stay focused. Your elder is the topic and their needs are why you have gathered.
- Have a list prepared ahead of time of suggestions.
- Be positive. Your family may not have processed the dementia diagnosis as well as you have.
Friends
When the technology was still new, Gordon’s family set up a FaceTime chat with a granddaughter who was living in Germany at the time. Gordon walked with dementia, but both he and his wife were awestruck when her face appeared on the tablet. More so when she said, “Hi, Grandpa!” Their joy and wonder reminded me how easy communication can be with modern technology. Look for opportunities for friends of your elder who may not be able to visit to connect through technology.
Your friends are a resource, too. Would someone shop for you, or stay with your elder while you get the groceries? Could a friend take your elder out for an afternoon? You never know until you ask.
Community
Spend a little time online, researching local community supports. I know of a great weekly program which is free in the Scarborough/North York area of Toronto (ask me!) Research hospitals, the local Alzheimer’s Society and your doctor can all be resources. Check out the local Kinsmen and other organizations. The assistance is out there, and many at minimal cost.
Think creatively. Your local high school students in Ontario need to perform 40 hours of community service to graduate, and many are in panic mode near the end, wondering how to complete this. Ask at a nearby school if someone would do yard work or shovel snow for community hours. Who knows? Maybe a precious relationship will develop.
Change your mindset. Support isn’t an extra and isn’t for later. To make this journey successful for you and your elder, start setting up supports today, and continue through the many changes you will experience. It takes a village.
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