If you talk to anyone living in Southern Ontario this week, there is only one topic.
The weather.
Friday ‘s grey skies turned to snow Friday night, ice pellets on Saturday, freezing rain on Sunday and torrential rain on Monday. Everything was coated in ice, including my car, driveway and the roads. I remained glued to the window all weekend, but sometime Sunday I realized that this yuck wasn’t ending, and I was going to have to travel in it on Monday.
My wonderful son-in-law braved the driving rain to chisel ice from my car. I two-stepped to the car and crept to the station without incident. But the train station parking lot wasn’t plowed or salted, and the snow, ice, and slush were deep. The rain was merciless, and I took one perilous step after another heading from my car to the train. “Is there rationing on salt?” I muttered to myself.
The train, subway, and even the bus journeys were fine, as they were all inside. But when I stepped off the bus, the most difficult few steps ensued as I crossed the street and navigated the sloping, ice-filled driveway. Through driving rain, I took one slippery step after another. When I finally stepped in the door, my chest was heaving. I was overwhelmed.
What does overwhelmed look like for the care partner?
It’s the daughter dealing with her mother’s anxiety disorder who receives twenty calls a day. Fifteen of them are overnight. Nothing she does or says calms her mother down. She hears the same questions and the same worries over and over again. Sometimes, she decides she needs boundaries and tells her mother she will be shutting off the phone after a certain hour, but then she lies in bed worrying.
Overwhelmed is the wife who must make difficult decisions about her husband’s care, and just when they are made, his health changes and she must make more difficult decisions.
Overwhelmed is the sibling who visits but has no clue how to relate to her sister. She doesn’t know this person and can’t recognize the sister she knew. When she tries to do something nice for her, something she used to love, she is met with anger. At a loss, she sits in her car and cries after every visit.
What do you do about overwhelmed?
Sometimes there’s nothing you can do but push through.
If you are in the middle of a disaster, or a series of seemingly unending emergencies, it’s possible to become overwhelmed quickly. Like facing into driving rain and ice, it keeps coming at you, it must be dealt with. And it hurts.
Sometimes it’s not the crisis but the ongoing demands of every day. Lack of sleep, physically demanding and unrelenting care can create a kind of dull despair. One small “extra” like taxes to be completed or the need to buy Christmas presents can create waves of anguish. It’s too much. It’s all too much.
How do you cope with overwhelming situations?
Probably not well, but here are some tips.
1) Call a friend. Call all your friends. Put the word out that you need help. Someone to listen, someone to help, someone to support. Overwhelmed can be overcome, but not alone. Never alone. The only way to begin to see the light is to have the love and support of friends.
2) Get rid of the unnecessary. Examine your life and see if there are commitments or duties that don’t need to be on your plate. Can another family member look after them? Is there something that can be dropped completely? Any time that you free up, use it to rest.
3) Try to get away, even for half a day. It’s amazing how perspective changes when we are rested.
4) Remember, it won’t be like this forever. The crisis will pass and the situation will become stable. You will get used to the new normal. Things will get better. It looks like a long tunnel now, but there is an end.
If you are a friend of a care partner, watch them closely. Listen. Be there. Look for overwhelmed. Your friendship and support is an invaluable gift as they walk this journey.
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