How to Cope When Your Elder Forgets Your Name

We’ve all done it.

You’re calling one of your kids, and you run through the roll call of names, including the family dog.

This is not that.

This is when you sit beside your mother who walks with dementia, at a family event, give her a kiss and say, “Hi, Mom. How are you doing?” She looks over your shoulder and says, “I’m fine, but is Leslie coming? I really hoped Leslie would come.”

Chills run up your arms. You are Leslie.

What not to do

1. Don’t subject them to guessing games. “Do you know who I am? Do you know who this is?” I’ve watched families do this as I cringed inside. The elder becomes more confused and stressed. They might know this is an important person to them, or they might not. What they do discern is that they are supposed to know and the questions make them feel stupid, insecure and like a disappointment. It never improves the situation and they don’t suddenly remember who you are. They may try to laugh it off, or become angry.

2. Don’t shame the person. (I’ve seen this, too) “You don’t know who I am? I’m your daughter!”

3. Don’t show offence or hurt. I know having your mom or dad or someone close to you not remember you can be incredibly painful. Even though you know they aren’t doing it on purpose or to be hurtful, it hurts. You may feel a sense of loss or foreboding as you see, one more time, where this is going. You may feel anger at the disease which is stealing your loved one away. All of these emotions are real. Talk to a friend, a counsellor or someone close to you and work through what you feel. However, as much as you can, keep your feelings to yourself around your elder.

What you can do

1. Show love. If it’s the first time, you won’t be prepared. However, knowing that this can happen, it’s important to focus on your elder and not yourself. You want them to feel loved, accepted, and that the mistake they made was not a big deal. In the scenario I suggested, Leslie could turn to her mother, hug her and say, “Leslie is right here, and she’s so glad to get time with you. Oh Mom, I love you so much!” Even if her mom doesn’t fully come back to reality, she will feel loved and affirmed.

2. Enter with clarification. “Hi, Mom, it’s Leslie, your daughter, and I brought Brian and Megan, your grandchildren. We are so excited to see you!”

3. If orientation is an ongoing problem, try bringing some pictures of special family events. Older pictures might be more familiar as short-term memory leaves first. Mom may look at a picture and say, “She’s such a sweet baby.” You can reply, “I was, wasn’t I? And now I’m grown up, I’m even sweeter.” (Said with a grin and a hug.)

4. Use the sense of smell. I found this incredibly interesting, and not something I’ve heard before.

The sense of smell is the sense most tied to memories. It’s called the Proust effect because of how close the amygdala, the almond-shaped brain structure that processes sensory information, and the hippocampus, the area responsible for storing episodic memories for later access, sit together in the brain. Use something scented like a soap, shampoo or aftershave that reminds the person of you. If your loved one associates cookies with your grandchildren, bake them before a visit. 1.

5. Explore the customary together. Your elder may have dropped interest in some activities which used to be important to them. But if certain types of music, books, card or other games, still bring a spark and a smile, use them to bring your loved one to a place where they are familiar and comfortable.

Dementia is a slow decline. Some days (although they will become less frequent) will seem almost normal. Other days will rip your heart out. It’s important to remember this: although your elder may not remember you, you remember them.Your assurances of love and relationship can bring peace out of an anxious moment.