Caring changes you. Usually, like the decline that brought you to the role, the change is gradual.
Not so for Tina.
Tina’s Story
In 2009, Tina wrote a blog post, remembering a five-year period in her life when she had worked as a caregiver for a family. Their mother struggled with early onset Alzheimer’s and the family wanted to keep her on the family farm as long as possible. They were active in her care, and Tina provided the support to make that possible. The family included her in family celebrations and often expressed how much they appreciated what she did for their mother.
The blog post I read was titled “Nothing Wasted.” It referred to Jesus having the disciples gather up the “leftovers” after the multitude was fed. During the five years I worked as a caregiver, I often pondered whether what I was doing made a difference. The kindness of the family helped me to see that the peace of mind my caring presence provided was far more valuable to them than I had imagined.
God used this experience in Tina’s life many years later when she had no time to prepare for the cataclysmic life change which came next.
I came to Arizona in January 2020. My intention was a quick visit to check on Mom and then head home. I haven’t been home since. Mom developed pneumonia and it quickly became apparent that she could no longer function on her own. She came down with another respiratory ailment this February. Consulting with our physician, we determined it would be best, based on Mom’s physical (exacerbated by COPD) and mental decline, to engage the services of hospices. We aren’t at the end, but we want to make sure we are providing the best care possible.
What didn’t help
When I started this journey in January 2020, I checked out the groups on Facebook that exist to connect with others who might understand my struggle. After about a week, I discontinued my following and participation in those groups. People were either angry and resentful, or they were grieving over the loss of their loved one. My relationship with my mother didn’t seem to fit in either category.
A world turned upside down
That’s not to say I haven’t battled with resentment. I had to resign from a pastoral position with a congregation I dearly loved. I had to separate from my husband, who remains in Ohio so he can take care of his mom, and my daughters and grandchildren. To say it’s been difficult is the understatement of the millennium. I can’t take a constant influx of negativity. I need to keep focused on hopeful things—like this will come to an end and I will be reunited with family and friends.
What does help
I am thankful that my husband has been able to visit four times and that friends have occasionally reached out. I also have a friend who lives about an hour away (we met in seminary in Ohio many years ago). She has come to visit. Brought me food. Listened to me vent. And a couple times has “kidnapped” me for a few hours away. She cared for her mom, so she gets it.
What ways could others do to support me, or someone in a similar position, in this process?
I am not making any money. So gifts cards are precious. Anything from McDonald’s or Starbucks so I could buy a yummy coffee, to Walmart or Amazon so I could buy something I need or another book, would be wonderful.
I hate house cleaning. I do it, but it’s not my gift or joy. And Mom has always loved her house to be immaculate. It would be an incredible blessing to have a maid service come in twice a year and really do a deep cleaning. This is a gift family could provide the money for, or church women could offer as ministry.
Cards and letters. Getting mail, especially during this pandemic that has so severely separated folks, is such a joy. Mom doesn’t get on the internet and it’s difficult to hear on the phone. Most days she doesn’t answer it because it’s just spam calls. But a letter! It doesn’t have to say much, but knowing someone took the time is so worth the effort.
I can’t always get away, but someone showing up and just visiting with me out on the patio is great. Mom has allergies and is on oxygen 24/7, so she doesn’t leave the house except for doctor appointments. My opportunities to leave the house are equally limited. I get out and walk my dog or go to church. Fresh air and being outdoors is life-giving to me. And getting to share those moments with someone makes it twice as good.
One of the phrases I said, more than any other as an Advocate was, “You are a good son/daughter.” Because it was true. Whether people were looking after their elder at home or had admitted them to long-term-care, most of the time they were doing their best to provide the best care, support and love they were able.
And they needed to hear it. Every step of the way and especially after the journey was over, they needed to hear, “You did a good job. You gave what was needed. You loved and your elder knew it.”
Hugs to you, Tina. You are doing an amazing job.
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