It makes no sense. At a time in your life when you are stretched the most physically, emotionally and mentally, you feel guilty?
You try to meet the ever-changing needs of your elder, keep up with your job, meet your family’s needs, keep the house in decent shape, all while feeling more tired than you’ve ever experienced. How can you do all this and still feel guilty?
Three evil triplets, one external and two internal, work to perpetuate these feelings. The first step is to recognize them.
Guilt trippers
I find it hard to understand that people have the gall to do this, except I’ve heard it more times than I can count.
“I’d never put my mother in a home.”
“In our culture we look after our elders in our homes.”
“I’ve never understood people who __________ (fill in the blank.)”
Confrontation is difficult, but sometimes necessary. No one knows the 
agony which led to each decision you made, and they seldom understand all the factors both for you and your elder. What they are saying is self-righteous and unfair. And absolutely none of their business.
You may need to walk away. With some people who you may never see again, this is the best solution. They aren’t worth your time or response. But with a family member or someone you interact with regularly, you may need to respond.
“Please stop. I appreciate I don’t understand everything about your background or decisions, but you don’t understand, either. What you are saying is making me uncomfortable, which I in no way deserve, so I’d like you to stop.”
Perfectionism
I’m a perfectionist about the cakes I make. I take my time, plan them and do everything to ensure they turn out exactly right. When I made a special “teddy bear” cake for a family shower a few weeks ago, I bought a special cake pan, had my husband make a special cake stand and set aside plenty of time to decorate it. However, perfectionism would say I could make the cake, decorate for the shower and look after the grandchildren at the same time. I couldn’t, and it would be foolish to try.
Perfectionism comes from a heart which wants to give, but also unrealistic expectations. “I can work, look after my mother’s needs, keep my family going and chaos from descending on my house. It will be busy, but I can do it.”
There are few things in life we can control, and when we fill our lives with more demands than we can possibly meet, it only takes one small glitch to make the whole thing come tumbling down. One child getting sick, one extra demand at work, one appointment we weren’t expecting, and our perfect plan falls apart. We fall apart.
No one expects you to be perfect. Ask for help, delegate within the family, lower your standards and control only what you can.
“All about me”
This kind of thinking can grow out of perfectionism, and takes on attitudes which aren’t reasonable. You assume, because of an action on the part of your elder, that you know what their negative thoughts are concerning you.
“Mom did’t seem to like the dinner I made. She just picked at it. Maybe she doesn’t want me looking after her.” (More likely, she wasn’t feeling well that day.)
“Dad seems down. I need to do a better job of getting him out to activities he enjoys. (Or maybe you could ask another family member to help.)
“Respite care would be nice for a weekend, but Auntie might think I’d abandoned her.” (Or as she might enjoy the company of others her age for a few days.)
We can control out thoughts, attitudes and actions. As caregivers, we need to let the rest go.
Next week: Supports for Caregiver Guilt
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