“There once was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.”
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 1.
I’ve known that poem all my life but wasn’t aware it was written by Longfellow. You can bet he wasn’t writing about random, curly-haired cherubs, but had a certain miss in mind.
So do I. She’s not a little girl, but an elder and her hair isn’t curly. But Ethel shares personality traits with this little girl. One day she is smiling, reasonable and charming, and the next, for no discernable reason, she’s angry, yelling and hitting.
It makes celebrations a challenge.
For Ethel’s birthday, her family came to join her for lunch. There were helium balloons, a cake, and singing–and the sourest face you can imagine. The family laughed at the pictures as they were all grinning and the birthday girl looked like she could eat them all alive. However, on Mother’s Day, Ethel was charming, funny and full of smiles. The day after was the worst I have ever experienced with her. You never know what a day will bring with Ethel.
How do you handle that as a care partner? Temper tantrums are embarrassing at any age. Here are some simple suggestions.
1. Control what you can
You know if your loved one is tired, or taken out of their safe environment, or put in a stressful situation (such as meeting a group of people they don’t know) it’s likely it won’t turn out well. Know what causes stress and what gives pleasure. This is extremely individual. Grandchildren might melt one elder’s heart and set the teeth of another one on edge.
2. Keep it small and simple
As a general rule, a small group of people and a simple celebration is more likely to succeed.
3. Check your expectations at the door
Expectations are a killer when it comes to celebrations. From the purest of hearts, we want out loved one to feel special and loved and have a good time. The problem comes when that doesn’t happen. If, after all the work that went into planning, they are miserable and angry, unmet expectations can quickly become anger and resentment on our part. We know they couldn’t help it. We know it’s the disease. But still…
4. Maintain your sense of humour.
Like Ethel’s family on her birthday, laugh. In the end, you were all together, you made a memory, and life goes on.
5. Celebrate everything
Sometimes care partners can be so serious. It’s a huge responsibility, after all. So much to think about. So many decisions. But at the end of the day, the time with your loved one is finite. There will be a day when celebrations won’t be possible. So go beyond the obvious, and celebrate every day. Pull out the ice cream because it’s Wednesday. Celebrate a sunny day, flowers in the garden, being together. Look for the joy in today and share it with your elder.
1. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44650/there-was-a-little-girl