My Secret Recipe For Successful Elderhood

My mother-in-law had a secret recipe for plum pudding. Every Christmas it would be served with a choice of hard sauce or rum sauce, and my husband loved it. I wasn’t a fan, but understood that it remained a family favourite. My sister-in-law begged her mother for the recipe, but the reply always came that it was secret and would be left to her in the will. We used to joke (macabre, I know) that we would hover over the lady’s deathbed with pad and pen, ready to scribble down ingredients.

In the end, the secret remained intact. My sister-in-law was determined to continue the family tradition, and tried recipe after recipe, but every one didn’t quite meet the mark. Finally, after years of discouragement, she bought a pre-made plum pudding from the store. 

It was perfect.

All these years, all the subterfuge and secrecy, and the secret recipe had been purchased from the grocery store!

I promise that my secret recipe is more authentic.

In my years of working with elders, I’ve noticed a common trait, and those who battle against it shine like the stars in the sky. 

Selfishness.

It grows subtly, and in many ways can be understood. As an elder ages, they become more dependent. Chronic pain, struggling with diseases, perhaps dementia and limitations in basic functions like mobility, sight, hearing, continence–all take their toll. It’s easy to become me-centred and requires unbelievable effort to look beyond the many challenges within.

Why bother?

Because the result is an elder who makes an indelible impression and whose legacy lives on in the hearts of those who knew them.

I’d like to be that kind of elder.

The Story Of Helen

Blind and spending her days in a wheelchair, Helen’s face lit up whenever I came into her room. Although always conscious and respectful of my time, she loved a visit. With animated voice, she’d ask about my children and granddaughter, and laugh with delight over the stories I’d tell. In our knitting group, she laboriously knit by feel and turned out perfect squares which were later turned into an afghan to sell. She enthusiastically joined all word games, even though she had to keep track of the information in her head. Helen loved life, but more than that, she loved people, and everyone who spent even a few minutes with her came away blessed.

I want to be a “Helen” when I grow up.

Look For Ways To Give

I’m not talking money, which is good because I don’t have much. Most elders don’t. But people long for connection. They want an action that says, “I see you. I hear you. Your life is important to me.” 

• listen with all of your body
• ask questions that show interest
• give the gift of time
• small acts like a card in the mail or some home-baked cookies say, “I thought of you.”
• remember what seems important to the other person and ask about it
• encourage

Connect With Family And Friends

I learned during the pandemic how easy isolation can be. Days could slip by without human contact and combatting isolation took effort. That’s not so much the case now, but it can be for elders. Winter and bad weather, struggles with mobility and even my own shyness are constant battles. I need to purposefully decide every day to connect. A quick note, a post on social media, an email, a call, a prayer–the many possibilities aren’t natural to me. I work at it. But the results bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart every day.

And bring me one step closer to being the elder I want to be.

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