“Oh you idiot!”
I would never say those words to anyone. Cruel, cutting and attacking character rather than the situation, they are totally unacceptable.
Except I said them yesterday. To myself.
We are visiting my daughter and her family and living between their home and a motel. Returning to the motel last night, I realized I’d left my phone charger at my daughter’s house. My iPhone is limping along until I can replace it, and the charger must never be far. Hence my words to myself.
Why am I so hard on myself? I’m not the only one, and caregivers especially tend to use their inner dialogue to beat themselves up. Of course you want to be the best for your elder, but caregiving is unpredictable. Even if what happened is your fault, mental whipping is destructive.
So, what can you do about those unkind voices in your head?
First, a disclaimer. I’m not a psychologist, counsellor or expert on this. If your problem is serious, you need to get professional help. If you are a caregiver, that’s a good idea, anyway. These are intended as suggestions to help you deal with the occasional nasty words your mind tries to use on you.
Recognize It
Do you hear yourself? Sometimes the diatribe in your head can continue for several minutes without you recognizing what’s happening. For a few days, write down every time you speak negatively to yourself. Just a mark on a paper will do. Besides surprising yourself with how often it happens, you will start on the road to being kinder to yourself.
Name It
“Don’t be a negative Nellie!” I’d heard of a nervous Nellie, but this was a new one to me. (Nellie gets a bad rap.) But the elder who said this to me made me think. As silly as it sounds, naming my tendency to put myself down made me more aware. “There goes Nellie again. She needs to stop.” (My apologies to all the Nellies out there. Any name will do.)
Give It A Dose Of Reality
My negative self-talk is almost never true. I’m not an idiot, I forgot something. As a caregiver, you love your elder, but you aren’t perfect. If you say or do something less than stellar, look at the situation rather than the put-down. Negative self-talk tends to err on the side of drama, and when the drama is removed, reality is kinder.
Look For Solutions
While you are flailing yourself for your mistake, you aren’t doing anything to solve the problem. What’s needed? An apology? A new way of doing things? Steps retraced? (I used my laptop for the evening until I could get my phone charger the next day.) In looking for a solution, you are taking the focus off you and looking for ways to fix your mistake.
Be Kind
I highly value kindness, so why don’t I give it to myself more often? I would never say the harsh words that roll around my head to another person. Why do I say them to myself? It takes practice, because I’ve been practising the negative words for so long, but I can be kinder to myself.
Caregiver, you have a challenging role. You do it well, if not perfectly. Start today to practise using encouraging words to yourself.
“Be careful how you talk to yourself because you are listening.” Hayes
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