It was time to say good-bye.
The activation student had been with us two days a week for several months and on his last day, we took him out to lunch. He had grown, matured and learned so much over the weeks. As we chatted together, my supervisor asked him, “What was the best experience you had in all the time you were with us?”
I wondered what he would say. He had planned and run a special event, and it had been spectacular. He’d gone on a trip, done one-on-one visits, taken residents for walks–so many opportunities to connect. What would he say?
“Breakfast with Betty.”
Betty spends her entire day in a wheelchair. She’s younger than most of our elders, as early-onset Alzheimer’s changed her life in her prime. Only in her seventies, she’s lived with us for quite some time. Her naturally curly hair is still blonde, and her gorgeous blue eyes follow your every move. Most times her look is pensive and a rare smile remains a gift. Betty hasn’t been able to talk for several years.
But she can communicate. As our student sat with her each morning and spooned porridge, toast, and eggs into her mouth, she communicated volumes and poured into his life. She told him how the value of a life doesn’t depend on ability or what a person can contribute. She taught him that communication is more than words. And she taught him that love can grow in unusual places.
This self-assured, mature young man learned to look forward to their times together each morning. Their placement included two, two-week blocks where they came in every day, and after one of these, he had to be away the next week. When he returned, he rushed into the dining room, looking for Betty and saying, “Do you think she missed me?”
Sometimes we miss it
Care for an elderly person is a series of tasks. Washing, toileting, assisting with meals–there’s a rhythm to the day and it’s unceasing. In the midst of excellent care, never forget the person inside. I didn’t know Betty before Alzheimer’s, but I’m told whole departments of people looked to her for direction. From a picture in her room I know she travelled to England and I met one of her friends. I’ve seen the ghost of a twinkle in her eye and I’ve been given “the look” when she didn’t like something. The more time I spent with Betty (as our student discovered) the bigger place she had in my heart. I began to receive the gifts of her personality each day.
Sometimes not getting it right is getting it right
Cassie tells of when a resident with dementia confused the facts but got to the heart of the matter.
“Jesse would often frequent my office and one day I took a chance and told her about a family issue I was facing, mainly because we were spending so much time together. I needed to talk about it and of all people, I could trust her not to repeat it! In the moment, she intensely listened, however her response was 
not at all on point. Several days later, however, she came back to my office and sat down. The first thing she said was, ‘How are things with your brother?’ I don’t have a brother so my issue wasn’t with a brother, but I knew she heard, followed up and genuinely cared about my situation. Her eyes looked right into my soul. I felt understood and heard, even with the communication gap. She fed my soul that day.”
Sometimes it’s the little things
Alexa works as an advocate and has so many instances where her residents care for her and other staff.
- one stressful day a resident made her a cup of tea.
- a resident told her not to work so hard because “we need you.”
sitting in the garden and chatting with residents in the summer relieved her stress.- they care for the cat that lives with them and worry if they can’t find her.
- they offer pregnant care partners parenting advice.
In receiving care, the keys are attitude and understanding. As we see the person within, the person who is still there, we open ourselves to receive care. And we are blessed.
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Sweetly touching
Thank you, Patty. I want people to realize that relationships with people who are considered marginalized by society, who may seem like they have little to contribute, can be some of the richest relationships in their lives. I know you know that.
This is such an insightful, sensitive post!
Thank you, Marlene. I know you have seen this in the past in your line of work.