I’m not good at the dripping tap.
Have you ever been cosied into your couch with a riveting book, until your attention is drawn to the kitchen?
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
You’re already disturbed, so you get up to turn the darn thing off. You just get back to the couch when you hear
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
The reality hits you. The tap won’t turn off completely, and the dripping won’t cease until you replace it. If you don’t have those skills, that might mean the cost of a plumber as well as a new tap. Your cozy evening is shattered, not only by the dripping but by the worries of the expense of the fix.
It may be that your care partner journey is plagued by a dripping tap. The same question over and over again. Or the same several questions cycling in a perfect circle where you can never find the end or the beginning or more importantly, a way out. There is no way to make it stop.
I confess, nothing wears me down more. I consider myself a patient person, but when that tap drips, it drives itself into my consciousness and I can’t get anything done. My head is full of the questions and my answers, and I can’t keep my focus on the task at hand. I realize I opened an email, but I’ve forgotten who it was for.
I’ve tried sitting with the person and giving them attention. They are insatiable.
I’ve tried reassuring. The questions are back in a few minutes.
I’ve tried distracting with activity. Only a few activities are acceptable, and even for those, I have to insist.
I’ve tried a volunteer visitor. They leave the volunteer to talk to me.
I’ve tried answering the questions. They never stop.
I’ve tried setting a boundary. “We’ve talked about this for 15 minutes, and I’m not talking about it any more. Let’s talk about something else.” This sometimes works, but it still monopolizes my time.
I’ve tried taking a bathroom break. That works, but there are limits as to how long I can hang out in there.
Here is what I have learned about myself and the dripping tap kind of situation:
I will deal with it and provide reassurance and give whatever comfort I can for as long as I can. However, I have limits. I’ve learned to identify when I’ve reached that limit. When I have, I must leave. For both our sakes.
If you are a care partner dealing with this kind of situation, you must build breaks into your day. Respite, friends, hired help–whatever it takes. Often a short break is enough, but you must have times when you are away. Get care for your elder and go for a walk, take a nap, go out with a friend or run some errands. You will come back refreshed and ready to care again. Know your limits and ensure it’s possible to take a break before you reach the breaking point.
It’s possible to fix a dripping tap. Not so with this kind of situation.
The only “fix” is how you handle it.
CLICK TO TWEET