“It’s okay to talk to yourself…and okay to answer yourself. But sad when you have to repeat what you said because you weren’t listening.” seen on Facebook
It had been the first “fabric shopping trip” since COVID began. My friend and I often travelled along country roads to a wonderful fabric warehouse because we are two of the last people on earth who sew (slight exaggeration.) COVID had changed this, and we were delighting in the fact that the experience was again possible. After I had enough fabric for several Christmas projects, we stopped at Tim Horton’s, an essential Canadian coffee shop, for my non-Canadian readers. Sitting inside with coffee was also an experience we hadn’t enjoyed since COVID.
In the afternoon sunshine, our conversation turned to an area in my life in which I struggled. My friend knew about it, but I hadn’t talked about the depth of the pain in the same way before. As I opened up about my feelings, the most magical thing happened. I felt heard.
Feeling heard is obviously more than sound waves on ear drums. It involves understanding, empathy, caring and leads to action, which we’ll talk about next week. For the care partner, feeling heard can be the greatest gift.
The problem with chronic
Any situation which is chronic–chronic pain, illness, an ongoing problem, or the challenges of being a care partner, can be difficult to talk about because it seldom changes. And that’s the reason the sufferer needs an audience.
Most people who deal with chronic are aware friends and family get tired of hearing about it, so they put on a smile. Only the most perceptive see the signs of tears cried, the painful wince or the shadow behind the smile. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Active listening
We’ve all experienced someone peeking at their cell phone during a conversation, or distracting music, or the toddler who wants attention. Some situations can’t be helped and that’s when to make a date for another time without distractions. Active listening makes and keeps eye contact, hears not only the words but the emotions behind them. If something is said which you don’t understand, clarify. Watch the other person’s body language as well. Highly stressful topics might be accompanied by gestures which give clues. Ask perceptive questions. Not just, “How are things going?” which will inevitably be answered with a cheery, “Fine!” when things aren’t fine at all. Questions which lead to an open conversation are:
- “How did you feel about that?”
- “What is your biggest challenge right now?”
- “What keeps you going?”
- “What helps?”
I’m sure you can think of others.
Care partners feel heard when your body language shows that your entire interest is in what they are saying, and when your questions show an understanding and empathy for their situation.
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