In celebration of National Caregiver’s Month in Canada, we are going to explore what care partners need.
Have you ever felt invisible?
As a shy introvert, it happens to me all the time. And truthfully, I’m not comfortable in groups and I’m usually happy to listen to the rest of you. But once in a while, I feel passionate about a subject and want to break in. My mouth opens, but before I can contribute, someone else speaks. Over and over again. Or, I do manage to make a comment, and the whole group looks startled, with distinct “Where did you come from?” looks on their faces.
When you are struggling with something that’s painful physically, emotionally and mentally, being invisible can be brutal. Because the situation may be draining all their resources, the person may not have what it takes to communicate what they need. This is especially true for care partners.
It’s up to you. And me.
Don’t Assume
After my hip replacement surgery, all kinds of people wanted to provide meals for me, because that’s what you do, right?
My friend, who coordinated the help I needed, turned them down on these offers. I eat weird (Keto, low carb, no sugar, no flour) and probably couldn’t eat most of what they would provide. Almost from my first day home, I was able to stand at the stove for the 10 minutes needed to make a stir fry for my dinner. However, I couldn’t walk my dog for a few months, and those who volunteered were like angels with wings to me. An added bonus was a person in the flesh (not on a screen) for me to talk with for a few minutes.
Another care partner who left her home and job to care for her mother in another state said she loves to receive gift cards. She doesn’t have an income because of this sacrifice and only enough money for necessities. Sometimes not that. A gift card for a coffee shop, Walmart or Amazon can buy a treat or a much-needed item.
Every care partner is different and their situations are individual. Never assume what is needed.
Do Ask
Some kinds of asking are as useless as a bikini in a snowstorm. (A little Canadian humour there…) I meet the phrase “Let me know if you need anything.” with a strained smile. Yeah, like I’m going to do that. Ever.
“I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow. If you make a list, I can pick up anything you need.” Or, “I’m driving by your place after I go to the drug store. Can I get anything for you?” Or, “I’m off on Tuesday and I have no agenda. What would be the most help?” Or my favourite, “Do you have time for a cup of tea this afternoon?”
I had some odd needs. The local grocery store delivered my groceries for a fee, and I would ask them to put them inside the door. But because I wasn’t allowed to bend or carry anything heavy, I couldn’t get them to the kitchen counter. I coordinated delivery with my neighbour’s schedule and she carried them in and put them on the counter. It took five minutes of her time but meant the world to me. I gave another neighbour my garage door opener and he made sure my garbage got to the curb and the containers back to the garage. It’s the little things.
Sit down with a care partner, perhaps over a cup of tea, and have an honest conversation. Besides discovering ways you can help which you probably never considered, your friend will feel seen.
And that means everything.
CLICK TO TWEET
Good ideas for offering to help.