It’s hot and muggy and I am dripping sweat with the smallest exertion. I’d like to deep-dive into my favourite lake on Manitoulin Island. I’ll be doing that soon, but in the meantime, I’m going to deep-dive in the topic of respect.
- What is respect?
- What is ageism and why is it so harmful?
- How can I better understand dementia and offer respect to the elder struggling with it?
Are you ready? Dive with me…
As a little girl, I heard “respect your elders” as a command, not a suggestion.. One of the ways it translated for me was to always call elders by their proper name. At work, many times residents would ask me to use their first name, and I would respect their wishes, but I always saw my mother’s lifted brow and look of disapproval. Respect meant one thing to her, but another to them.
What is respect?
It seems like a simple question, but like a diamond, has more facets the more you look at it.
Respect means: I have something to contribute, no matter my age, my frailty or my cognition. Don’t write me off.
Respect means: you listen to my stories, even if you have heard them before. Respect listens, trying to discern who I am and know me better with each repetition.
Respect validates what I am saying, even if you have no idea what I’m talking about. My words may be confusing, but there are real feelings behind them. Respect listens to my heart.
Respect laughs with me and never at me.
Respect acknowledges that I might have annoying habits, and be difficult some days. Respect looks for positive ways to cope with this.
Respect asks my opinion.
Respect shares your life with me and allows me into what matters to you.
Respect looks at what’s important to me and holds it in reverence.
Funny story here: My dad had a poodle called Bonnie who he adored. More than once when I was on the phone with him I would hear barking from outside and he would say, “I have to go. My daughter is calling me.” Everything in me wanted to shout, “Your daughter is on the phone with you!” But I knew that dog filled holes in his life that I couldn’t.
It wouldn’t have done any good, anyway. He’d already hung up to tend to the dog. đŸ¤£
Respect finds ways to connect.
Respect ask questions with real interest, and expects to learn from the answers.
Respect sees me as an interesting person with a fascinating life.
Respect is careful not to patronize. It never says “we” when it means “you.” (As in “Shall we get dressed now?” rather than “Would you like to get dressed now?”)
“Respect your elders” is wider and deeper than I experienced as a kid. It’s not just a set of rules, as I was taught, but a mindset. Every elder in my life has given me the gift of themselves, and I have grown.
Respect is me deciding to receive that gift and pass it on.
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