Doesn’t this dog have guilt written all over his face?
I can be easily motivated by guilt.
“Grandma, we haven’t come over in so long. I miss you.” Immediately, plans are changed or cancelled. How had I let time slip by without seeing my precious girls?
“How long since you’ve had your ducts cleaned?” (Ummm, never.)
“This bill is overdue.” (As someone who pays bills the moment they arrive, if one inadvertently slips by me, a voice inside my head gives me the label of a recalcitrant bill-ignoring sluggard.)
So, yes, I understand guilt. I’ll admit to having used it as a mother when my kids were growing up. But it’s uncomfortable and I question its lasting effects as a motivation. I’d rather give you some practical ideas when dealing with loneliness in elders, especially those who aren’t living with you or even living close.
The key is connection
Loneliness, whether from physically being alone or feeling alone in a crowd (such as could be the case in long-term-care) comes from a feeling of isolation. The solution is to find a way to connect. Something magical happens to our spirits when we realize that someone thought of us and took the action to make a connection.
In researching this, I came across an incredible young man. At only 13, he started an international organization which makes a difference. Watch this:
What other kinds of connections are possible?
- Visits, of course, but these may be difficult on a regular basis. But what about making the arrangements for a friend to visit? You may not be able to go yourself, but perhaps one of your elder’s peer group has time and desire, and needs you to make the arrangements.
- Phone calls. When calling an elder, I like to jot down a series of possible topics. I may not use them all, or any of them, but I’m not good at small talk, so this gives me something to fall back on. Most people love to live vicariously through you and hear about events in your life. If hearing is an issue, a phone call can be sent through hearing aids. Ask the staff to help you with this.
- Skype or Zoom. A surprising number of elders have embraced technology and have multiple forms of connection at their disposal. Make sure your elder has either a laptop or an iPad, and ask staff to help with the connection to get them started each time. This way, you can not only talk and see faces, but grandchildren and great-grandchildren can be part of the conversation.
Here’s a connection that doesn’t directly involve your elder, but could make a huge difference. Write to your member of parliament or senator in the U.S. In Ontario, Bill 7 had now passed, giving government the right to move people out of hospital to whatever long-term-care had available beds–as far as 150 km away! Elders are isolated from families, and those with dementia will be frightened and further confused.
Don’t know your member of parliament? Use this link:
https://www.ourcommons.ca/members/en
After you click on their name, scroll down to “contact” for their email address. An email is just as effective as a letter. If you would like a copy of the letter I wrote for ideas, email me at peachmanstewart@gmail.com
You have the power to overcome loneliness for your elder. Use it today! (I will admit to using a little guilt here…😊)
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