How Ageism Affects You and Your Elder and What To Do About It

/ Care Partners, Elderhood, Family and Care, Purpose, Respect /

I drove to my friend’s house for a visit and to deliver some homemade jam she was buying from me. As I started to make my exit from the car, I did my normal “dance.” I got my body out, reached back for the bag of jams, my purse and my cane and got everything situated so my cane is by itself in my right hand. It takes a minute. 

While I made this complicated manoeuver, her neighbour swooped over. A sweet lady about 10 years my junior, she grabbed the bag from my hand and took my elbow to guide me into my friend’s house. I tried to reassure her that I was fine and able to navigate on my own, but finally allowed her to do her good deed. Her heart was in the right place.

Ageism refers to the stereotypes (how we think), prejudice (how we feel) and discrimination (how we act) towards others or oneself based on age. 1
I like this definition because it shows how thoughts affect how we feel and act. And in spite of my well-meaning friend, it’s dangerous.
Why?
It starts in the mind
Deep in the recesses of our minds, we assume. Our assumptions, though they may be well-intentioned, are often wrong, and lead to feelings and then actions which are also wrong.
Several years ago I sat beside a lady in a bus shelter who told her friend that “children are more trouble than they are worth.” This assumption led to bitter and judgemental feelings which were evident in her face, and I can only imagine the actions toward any unfortunate child who might be near. 
What do we assume? Here are just a few I’ve encountered:
  • People with assistive devices want help all the time 
  • Elders with cognitive deficit need all their decisions made for them
  • Those of a certain frailty (whether physical or cognitive or both) have nothing to contribute
  • If we poke fun at our own frailties (memory lapse, sagging bodies) it’s not only okay, it’s funny
  • Older people, especially those in long-term-care, have no interest in sex.
How we feel is how we act
If any part of the statements above are part of our belief system, it will emerge in how we speak and act. Even scarier, it affects decisions in government and in employment. Lovely, well-meaning people who want to help get it wrong because their assumptions are faulty.
Here are my replies to the above wrong assumptions leading to ageism.
  • People with assistive devices sometimes would like help. My neighbours, when they see me struggling in with groceries from the car, always ask if I would like help. Sometimes I’m fine, and tell them. Sometimes I welcome their help. Always, I appreciate them giving me the respect of asking.
  • People with cognitive deficit need some support in decision making, and this increases as the disease progresses. It’s not easy for care partners to always know what’s best. Always look for the areas where choice and decision making can still occur, and offer these liberally.
  • If you’ve read my writing at all, you know my ongoing mantra: purpose is both important and possible at all stages of life.
  • Facebook is full of older people sending memes poking fun at themselves. I receive them all the time. I cringe, but I seldom speak up, because these lovely people are just having fun. But the next time you receive something like this (I’m sure you know what I’m talking about) think about what is being said. Then perhaps delete it.
  • Here we go, assuming again. Any time we paint one segment of the population with the same brush, we get it wrong. I have known of couples who still want to be intimate into their 90s, and those who aren’t couples as well.

Respect is complicated, right? Even with the best of intentions, we can get it wrong. Spend a few moments examining your thoughts, and how they translate into actions. 

Is it ageism?

Then don’t. Just don’t.

1. https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/
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