My dad asked me to take mom shopping. They planned a road trip out west to visit my sister and family, and mom needed new camisoles. He’d become a reluctant caregiver when she developed Alzheimer’s, but that kind of shopping gave him chills. I looked forward to a fun time with mom, who loved to shop.
As a young mother with two little girls, my limited knowledge of Alzheimer’s and how it changed my mom’s life often led to mistakes I cringed at later in life. But today, as I had what I called a “slap-in-the-face” moment, I instinctively did the right thing.
Mom found some garments she liked and we headed to the change room to try them on. As I helped her, two facts assailed me with the force of a smack. As she struggled with her top, I realized my mother could no longer dress herself. In my mind’s eye, I saw a lovely wool coat, lined and hand-sewn with bound buttonholes. 
It hung in my closet, and only a few years ago, Mom made it for my niece. Now it waited for my seven-year-old daughter to fit into it. The contrast ripped at my heart. Not long ago, she’d completed this complicated sewing project. Today, she couldn’t get her top off.
Back then, I knew nothing, but my instincts told me to make light of it, and my instincts were right. We giggled as I unwound her from her top and tried on the new camisole, admired her reflection and shared a fun mother-daughter moment. It wasn’t until hours later, alone with my husband, I shared the shock and pain of that moment. Mom would soon need more help than my dad could give and what lay ahead?
What is your greatest challenge as a caregiver?
Over and over, the answer comes back, “Finding good help.”
Throughout your journey, your elder’s needs change. Like most aspects of caregiving, finding help isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” situation. (Who invented one-size-fits-all anyway? Who did they think they were kidding?) From advice and recommendations to the need for regular, physical help, each step requires careful thought. Because care needs can change on a dime, it’s best to give this area some thought before the fact.
What do you need? A simple question, it’s incredibly complex and ever changing. Here are some questions to ask at least monthly, or when care needs change in any way.
1. What are my elder’s physical needs today?
- Activities of daily living (mobility, personal grooming, bathing, toileting, dressing, eating) Have any of these changed significantly? What kind of help do I need to address these changes?
- Instrumental activities of daily living (managing finances, housework and maintaining the home, managing medications, making meals, transportation.) Have any of these changed, and what kind of supports could address these changes?
- Emotional support
- Social interaction
Added to this may be the elder’s reluctance to either acknowledge or accept help in these areas. Or, they may accept some supports initially, but not as needs increase. Herein lies the complicated world of the caregiver.
This month, we will look at what constitutes “good help.” I’ve been blessed with input, both from those giving care and elders. Much of it goes beyond actual skills and may include aspects you haven’t considered. Because quality of life can be totally contingent on who is helping put on your shoes or give your shower, the search for good care is important and can be frustrating.
Let’s look at it together.
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