Things aren’t always as they seem. Neither are people.
You’d think by this point in my life I’d know that, and I do in theory, but I need to learn certain lessons over and over when they present themselves in a different context. Maybe you’ve found that, too.
My job as an advocate mainly involved supporting those who cared for the elders in my neighbourhood. Where I worked their title, Personal Support Workers, was upgraded to Care Partners, and this philosophy pervaded everything they did. Care is mutual, a relationship between the elder and the Care Partner. Care should be reciprocal. In humility, those who give care also receive it. They are partners together.
I passionately believe this is possible and nothing less should be acceptable. I also believe Care Partners have an extremely difficult and vital role and deserve to have their concerns heard, considered and acted upon when possible.
Because of this, I (and all others who fulfil this role) walked a fine and precarious line most days. Elders aren’t saints, and can be prejudiced, entitled and manipulative with the best of them. Add to that the challenges of dementia and plain old crankiness born of fear and hurting all the time, and I’m sure you get the picture. Care Partners, on the other hand, face many of the challenges as the rest of us, trying to balance family needs and a demanding career, or perhaps worrying about meeting the physical demands with an aging body. I know care partners still performing the physically demanding tasks of bathing, dressing and toileting residents into their 70s. I have no idea how they do it.
Things aren’t always what they seem. Neither are people.
So many times, when either a resident or care partner would come to me with a problem, I would make a snap decision in my head. Usually, I was wrong.
Once, a resident came to me about the care one of the care partners had given her. Someone had to go home sick, and this care partner had stepped in. I knew she tended to carry a “chip on her shoulder” so when the resident told me she’d been rough and bossy, I prepared to have a stern conversation with her and perhaps issue a written warning. When she came in the next day, I met with her privately and said, “I heard about the problem last night with Mrs. S. Why don’t you tell me what happened?” As she talked, I realized she had made every effort to give excellent care. She sensed a problem and brought the nurse in to both intervene and witness what was happening. Bottom line: Mrs. S. was a manipulator who liked to stir the pot. The care partner was of a race she didn’t like, and decided to see what trouble she could cause.
Things aren’t always what they seem. Neither are people.
That’s why finding a great care partner to give hands-on care for your elder is so difficult. Skills are important, but they aren’t the most important. Skills can be taught, and must be modified to the person receiving care. You may know how to give a great shower, but you need to care about the intricacies of how your elder likes their shower more.
Attitude first.
Next week, we will look at some experiences, good and bad, of a family who searched for care.
We will also hear from the elder receiving care, seeing care from their perspective.
Stay tuned!
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