A big problem with finding excellent care for elders is…well…care. We focus on medication and health and safety and community and entertainment and nutrition and mobility.
We forget about purpose.
In the grand scheme of what matters, it seems less important. Something to tack on at the end, if we have time and opportunity. In reality, purpose makes me feel as if I make a difference. With purpose, I am a contributing member of society. Without it I am a burden.
Three weeks ago, I had my right knee replaced and I am on a journey of recovery. That journey has involved significant amounts of pain, the indignity of walking around my neighbourhood with a walker, the need to be driven places and have things done for me. I needed (and still need) care and it can be depressing. Nights of pain and little sleep, days of accomplishing little beyond the required exercises, can lead to depression. Even though I know this is temporary, it can get you down.
Imagine the elder who can do less and less for themselves and wonders why they are still here. Think of someone with dementia who feels they are no longer worth anything.
What helped me through these weeks was an editing project I worked on. Even though it was hard to concentrate through the maze of pain meds, I felt like I could make a difference in the book I was editing, and that gave me a sense of purpose. Perhaps I couldn’t do my own laundry or walk well or drive, but I could make a difference in helping this author present his best work.
George was a great husband and father. He took his boys to innumerable hockey practices and provided for his family. He and his wife enjoyed going dancing, and the whole family took memorable vacations. Now George has dementia and describes his mind as “cloudy.” He’s incontinent and in a wheelchair and his gravelly voice is difficult to understand. How do we provide a sense of purpose for George?
In their marriage, Pat was the strong one. A woman who spent her life being in charge, she was a caregiver for her husband with dementia until he needed more care than she could give.She bravely moved him into care, but a few weeks later was distressed to see how completely happy and settled he was in his new situation. Of course, this is what she wanted for him, but when she saw him joking with one of the staff, she drew back and wondered what her role was in his life. How can we reassure Pat and restore her sense of purpose?
As care partners, helping your loved one find their purpose may be the most important journey you take. It involves helping them find what makes them feel valued.
Here are some statements that can lead to a sense of purpose:
“I’d really like to talk about something with you. I value your opinion.”
“Could we make your Banana Bread together? I remember the smell of it when I came to visit.”
“Can we look at your pictures of Paris together? I’ve never been and I’d love to hear about it.”
“I need your advice about this.”
“Would you mind if I come for a visit? I really love to spend time with you.”
Elderhood is not a time to be constantly served or to lie on the bed and wait until the end. Elders with a sense of purpose have so much to give.
Your job as care partner is to help them find it.
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