We came together to celebrate my Dad’s birthday and to spend a few precious moments before my parents went to visit my sister and her family out west for a few weeks. My husband and I, my parents and my two little girls visited over a meal, and of course, cake. I remember flitting about, because I always flitted in those days, smiles and laughter and especially my mom’s delight in her granddaughters. She suffered from early onset Alzheimer’s, so I was aware life would change. It had already changed, and I struggled, as a young mom with a multitude of concerns, to hold onto every minute. I enjoyed this fun time together.
The last time. A few days later, hours from my sister’s house, a car accident killed my mother instantly.
Quality Time
Showing desire to spend time with me nourishes me like nothing else, making me feel loved. From my memories of my mother, she felt the same way. The natural reaction with the abrupt loss of someone dear (or any loss) is to evaluate how you did. Your opportunity for further input is over. Did I tell them I loved them enough? Was I there often enough?
Hindsight is perfect, and if I’d known each interaction was the last, I would have acted differently. But Mom and I were close, talked on the phone every day and enjoyed each other’s company. I know she felt love, even though I didn’t understand Alzheimer’s well or love languages at all back then. 
The experience of losing my mom in my twenties gave me a perspective which has remained with me the rest of my life. Time, a precious commodity, doesn’t last forever. Quality time, even more so.
Quality time isn’t just being there. We’ve all experienced distracted people whose focus is drawn to their phone or someone else in the room. Quality time gives focused attention to the other person, and listens with the whole body. Our body language communicates that we enjoy being together and our greatest joy is to spend time with the other person. Quality time refuses to interrupt.
Even though this is my top love language, I still need to work on it with others. I get distracted, my thoughts drift, or I think about the next thing I want to say while the other person is talking. Giving the other person my full attention, being interested, asking questions–this takes skill and practice. It’s easy to get lazy.
If your elder’s love language is quality time, here are some ideas to reach out to them and make them feel loved:
Use the Internet
FaceTime, Skype, Zoom and other video conferencing tools are wonderful for spending time together when you can’t physically be together. I met weekly with two friends via Skype through the pandemic, and we liked it so much, we continue to do so bi-weekly. If your elder isn’t computer-savvy, work with a friend, neighbour or family member to set it up. If they are in care, ask the activities person to help. It’s far more common than you might expect, and even people with dementia can enjoy the experience. Don’t forget to get the children involved. Even watching a baby play or listening to the babble of a two-year-old can be a delight.
Mark Your Calendar
Time flies. When you’re having fun? True, but also when normal life happens. Between work, children, putting out the garbage and keeping the household afloat, weeks can speed by. Has it already been two weeks? Understand that for your elder, whose world may have shrunk and whose activities could be far fewer, time can plod along. Mark your electronic calendar for some kind of interaction so you don’t forget. A wall calendar doesn’t nag me when I don’t respond!
Be Creative
I’m not a telephone person, especially making calls. What if I disturb them? But as most elders are delighted with a call, I’ll do it. I find the whole process of writing a letter, putting a stamp on it (Do I have stamps? Where are they?) and getting it into a mailbox, a huge effort. But I know the excitement of receiving something in the mail, so I’ll do it. A card can have the same effect.
Quality time says “I thought of you today and I wanted to make contact, because you are important to me.” A visit is amazing, but when that’s not possible, there are other ways to convey the same message.
My niece isn’t an elder, but suffers from a degenerative disease. She lives in another province, and can no longer communicate verbally or type, due to the effects of her disability. I miss her wonderful sense of humour, her wisdom and her love. About a year ago, I decided to send her emails on a regular basis, telling her about my life and letting her know I loved her and I knew she was still in there. Basically, I babbled, and sometimes wondered if I was communicating the message I wanted to send. You matter to me. You are important. I love you. Then, miraculously, I received a two line reply. I have no idea how she managed it, but somehow she communicated to someone who helped her. It had been several months and I wondered if she was still able to do that, but yesterday I received another one. My heart sang.
Quality time is a gift we give. But, oh! What an amazing return we receive.
CLICK TO TWEET