Who doesn’t appreciate a huge bouquet of flowers?
Me.
That’s not exactly true. I appreciated that the person who gave them spent a lot of money, and wanted to make me feel special on my birthday. I thanked them profusely, and they had no idea that their gift didn’t hit the mark. I love flowers and felt guilty for my inner unrest. What kind of an ungrateful person was I anyway?
A person with a different love language. The gift had come from someone who scored high in “receiving gifts.” For me, a smaller gift with the words, “I’m proud of the person you are growing into” would have made my heart sing.
The person who gave me the flowers didn’t understand that, and neither did I. Being loved and appreciated in a way you understand is the core of love languages, and today, it makes so much sense to me and affects all my relationships.
Why “Words Of Affirmation” Matter To Elders
Here is a difficult truth: Our sense of who we are is often grounded in places it shouldn’t be. We find our worth in our job, our past accomplishments, our children’s triumphs, our house, our abilities. Not good or healthy, it’s the case more often than we care to admit. I fight against this constantly in my own life.
Look at the list above in relation to many elders.
- job-finished when they retired
- past accomplishments-receding with each year
- our children’s triumphs-still a source of pride, but more about the grown child than the elder
- our house-probably swapped for an apartment or a room
- our abilities-may be changed
Words of affirmation, important to all of us, mean the world to those elders who have it as a primary love language.
How Do I Effectively Express Words Of Affirmation?
It goes beyond “That’s a pretty dress.” or “You have the bluest eyes.” Words of affirmation build up, expressing verbal compliments for the well-being of someone you love. They look at the inner qualities of the person (qualities which may go overlooked because they are inner) and express appreciation for them. Here are a few examples:
“Thank you for being such a good friend to me.”
“When you ___________ it made me feel so proud of you.”
“Talking to you gives me the courage to face things.”
What About Past Hurts and Failures?
All relationships contain times when one or both parties weren’t at their best. What parent hasn’t looked back and cringed, wishing they hadn’t…whatever. Some infractions are insignificant, some, huge. It can be difficult to look beyond them.
The best thing we can do with the failures of the past…is to let them be history. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a commitment. A chance to show mercy.
Gary Chapman
What does your elder need to hear today?
All ideas and the quote are from “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
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