Maybe where you live, the weather outside isn’t frightful, but the calendar is moving forward. Hallowe’en and Remembrance Day are behind us, and our neighbours to the south are celebrating Thanksgiving next week. Black Friday, Cyber Monday–however you look at it, Christmas is coming.
If you are caring for someone with dementia, Christmas takes a lot of thought and planning. It can be a wonderful time with moments of joy or a complete disaster. Which way things go often depends on the thought and preparation you put into it several weeks prior. Like, now.
Over the next several weeks, we will look at some issues, ideas and considerations you might not have contemplated. If you are a care partner, feel free to comment with your own thoughts. Here are a few preliminary thoughts:
What we always did probably won’t work without modification. You may be able to have some form of your precious traditions, but they will probably need to change in several ways.
What we did last year, which was probably already a concession to your new reality, may not work this year. You may need to make plan B. Or F.
So, start with a clean slate, and let’s begin to plan.
Way #1–Decide What’s Important
The problem with this is that what’s important to you, or your extended family, probably isn’t what’s important to your loved one.
Perhaps your family is used to large, crowded, boisterous family celebrations. People come early in the day, stay through the meal and beyond. The adults visit and reminisce, the children run around and play excitedly, carols are sung and everyone sits down to a huge meal together. It takes several hours for everyone to leave, and it’s gloriously noisy and fun.
Maybe in the past, your elder was in the centre of all the confusion, making jokes and presiding over the dinner table, and it would be easy to assume this is important to them now. They may even express how they want to see the family and how they love to watch the little ones running around. The reality is that elders with dementia find confusion and large groups of people overwhelming, long visits exhausting and noisy children, or a lot of noise from anyone, causes anxiety and anger.
Maybe the Christmas Eve service has been mandatory to start the season, or maybe it’s putting up the tree, or bringing out the nativity scene, or Christmas baking. To the best of your ability, figure out what makes Christmas for your elder. What would they miss if it wasn’t a part of the season?
Realize that you can’t do it all. Once you have decided on a few activities that will be meaningful, think how you can modify them to suit your loved one’s needs and abilities. The Christmas Eve service is always crowded, so perhaps you could have a family member save your seats. You slip in together just as it’s about to start and stay seated until the crowds have cleared. Or perhaps you find a similar service on the television and watch it together.
If trimming the tree is important, you can have most of it completed when your elder is having a nap, but save aside several significant ornaments for them to put on. Then you can dim the lamps and enjoy the Christmas lights together over a cup of hot chocolate.
Whatever it is, the principles are the same: What matters, and how do I need to modify it for where we are today?
Way #2–Reduce Expectations. Fight Perfectionism
Closely aligned to this are expectations. These may come from within in the form of self-talk. “The table would look amazing with Grandma’s china and maybe I could make that table centre I saw on Pinterest. We need to have four vegetables and a variety of Christmas baking…” Even at the best of times, we can wear ourselves out with perfectionism, and this isn’t the best of times.
And if our own expectations aren’t enough, there’s the family’s. “Mom, the meal has always been at your house. It’s tradition. We’ll help more, though, and it’ll work out fine.” No, it won’t. Quietly sit down with family and explain why some of the traditions need to be modified. Trying to make things perfect and maintaining long-held traditions can be a recipe for disaster.
Many years ago, I worked as a cake decorator part-time. Christmas Eve was a busy day and I didn’t get home much before six, but our family still wanted to go to the Christmas Eve service. My husband wasn’t much of a cook, so we developed the tradition of having pizza and eggnog on Christmas Eve. I would rush home and it would already be on the table. We would eat and be out the door in less than an hour. Over the years, that pizza-and-egg-nog tradition became an important part of our family history.
Sadly, it doesn’t happen any more. I don’t eat wheat or sugar, and there’s no one to enjoy it with. Although my children speak fondly of those meals, that tradition has been dropped. The reason for it is gone, the children are grown, and there’s no purpose to it.
Look at how your family celebrates, and choose a few meaningful activities. Look for ways to make them work for you and your elder. Then celebrate!
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