Everyone in the family knew that Grandpa couldn’t hear well. The television roared when he listened to it, and the radio sounded at levels that rivalled his teenage grandchildren. In conversation, he growled about family members “muttering.” Why couldn’t anyone speak up these days?
Conversations addressing the problem never went well. Grandpa would go off in a huff and whoever tried to initiate the conversation left sighing and licking their wounds.
One day, Grandpa went out for coffee with his friend. A few minutes into their visit, Amos, never known to act sensitively, pounded his fist on the table and barked, “George. What’s the matter with you? You can’t hear a thing I say and I’m right across the table from you. You need hearing aids like I have.” Pulling a small plastic disk from his ear, he confronted his friend. “Look at this. I bet you didn’t even know I wore them. Cost a fortune, but at my age, what do I have to spend my money on? And the kids and grandkids can’t talk about me any more. I hear every word.”
The next day, Grandpa made an appointment with his doctor.
How do you have difficult conversations with elders? As your role transitions from parent and child to care partner, how do you maintain respect while addressing the elephant (or whole herd of elephants) in the room?
There are no “do this and it will work” answers to this question, but this month we will look at ideas and considerations. If you have stories of your experiences, please share them in the comments.
Remember they are adults
As your roles change, it’s tempting to think you have all the answers, especially when they seem obvious. The bottom line remains that the final decision is theirs. As frustrating as it may be to repeat everything for Grandpa when a simple solution is available, it’s his decision.
Look at what is behind resistance
Perhaps financial issues, real or perceived, are behind the reluctance. I experienced years where staying on top of bills and feeding my family filled my every thought. Even if I had the money for a major expense, I worried that if I spent it, another, more pressing need for the money may emerge tomorrow. An appliance would break, the car would need repair–then what would I do? That kind of pressure marks you for life. Perhaps your elder is afraid to invest in themselves.
Or, it could be pride. If I admit there’s a problem, I’m admitting I’m old, with all the negative connotations that brings. Ageism is real and ugly, and comes with the message that a person’s value diminishes with age. As a society, we need to fight this, but that’s another whole series of blogs. Assure your elder of their value in as many ways as you can think of.
Fear can be a cage we lock ourselves in. It restricts our movements, steals our joy, fills our heads and makes many of our decisions. Fear is often behind the resistance to any change or solution to an emerging problem.
Prioritize time together, ask questions and listen
Spend some time thinking about how you will approach the topic if you have the opportunity, but don’t make it the main agenda. Plan fun times together, and if the right opportunity presents itself, ask the questions which may lead to a better understanding. “Dad, does it bother you when you have to ask me to repeat things?” You may not get a truthful answer immediately, but continue to listen. “It must be frustrating to miss out on conversation when the grandchildren are here.” Be supportive, non-judgemental and caring.
Hang tough, care partners! These kind of conversations are like tightrope walking. It’s a skill, and you may fall off a few times at first.
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