Your family member has just moved into care. There is so much to do to get them settled. What will fit in the room? How should you set it up so they are comfortable? Meet the doctor and the nurses, get their clothes labelled, on and on…
For some, giving over care to strangers is a great relief. The burden has been enormous for too long. You can go home and sleep tonight, knowing they are cared for.
For others, it’s a strain. How can these people possibly know how my mother likes her tea, which are her favourite pyjamas, and which piece of music calms her? Do they want to know?
In the myriad of tasks that crowd your time in those first weeks, put “Get to know the care partners” at the top of your list. These people will have an intimate relationship with your family member. Open communication with them will improve everyone’s life.
Here are some tips to get started:
1. Get to know their names. There will be a full-time and part-time person for the day and afternoon shifts. There are people at night as well, of course, but you will probably never meet them. Get to know the names of the four care partners who give regular care, as well as the nurses for both shifts. Write down their names and positions for reference.
2. Introduce yourself. Time your visits so that over a period of weeks you get to meet all of them.
3. Write down pertinent information about your elder. Don’t write a book, but pick out a bit of history and some likes and dislikes that will make caring for them easier. Post it in the room.
4. Consult them. “I was thinking about getting mom some new tops. Do you think these would be easy for her to get into?”
“I was wondering if mom could handle coming home to my house for Thanksgiving dinner. Do you think that would be a good thing or too much for her?”
“My sister out west wants to talk to mom, but mom doesn’t seem to hear on the phone any more. Any ideas?”
As they get to know your elder better, they will be students of them and have all kinds of useful suggestions.
5. Give sincere compliments. The work these people do is difficult. Many find it rewarding, but it is wearing physically and emotionally. Like a piece of chocolate, which you hold in your mouth as long as possible and savour to the last drop, a sincere compliment is tasty and satisfying. Here are a few examples:
“You always help my mother to look so lovely. Earrings, makeup and scarves were important to her, and I appreciate how you honour that.”
“Thank you for taking dad out in the garden today. He’s always happiest in the garden, and it made his day.”
(To a nurse) “Thank you for giving mom her medication in jam. I noticed you do that just for her, and she takes her pills willingly now.”
(To a nurse) “Thank you for calling me about dad’s fall. I appreciate how you keep me abreast of everything that’s happening with him.”
There may be problems. If it’s a specific issue, try talking to the person in the most non-confrontational way possible. “Can you help me understand why it was done this way?” There may be reasons that you don’t know that make perfect sense. If talking doesn’t help, go to a supervisor, but don’t go with “guns a-blazing.” Talk to them about the problem and look for solutions.
If you are struggling with a personality conflict between your elder and their care partner, a supervisor will need to get involved and perhaps make a switch. Just ensure every effort has been made to make the relationship work. And make sure the problem isn’t yours alone. If your elder and their care partner get along fine but you can’t stand her, deal with it. Maybe you should go home and count your blessings!
We have had family members come back to visit, and the first thing they want to do is hug their favourite care partner. The effort you put into this relationship will benefit you and your elder every day.
You may find that you have found a hidden treasure.
Or made a friend.
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How to Love a Care Partner