Is it ever right to challenge a person with dementia to do something they don’t want to do?
It took days of cajoling to get Amy to join us on a picnic to the park. The weather was perfect, her daughter would join us and we would watch the children play. Amy loved children. We all reasoned that once she got there, she would enjoy herself.
She didn’t. She remained fretful and anxious the whole time, and only relaxed when we returned back home.
I felt so guilty.
Maisie’s three daughters were all convinced that she would love the 
camping experience. A few days in the woods, other friends to talk to and lots of support for all her needs seemed perfect to them. Maisie remained adamant that she didn’t want to go.
She went and had a wonderful time. Her daughters were right. We all rejoiced that we’d made the correct decision in challenging her to do something she didn’t want to.
You can’t know the future. Sometimes you have to make your best guess. If it works, you celebrate. If not, you forgive yourself and go on from there.
Like parenting, caregiving is one of those experiences in life where you do the best you can, make the best decisions based on what you know, and learn along the way. Things change so quickly, and what you learned yesterday may not apply to today.
Listen to some caregivers express their feelings about when they didn’t get it right.
Although this video is specific to people with Alzheimer’s, the principles can be applied to all caregiving. An elder with no cognitive decline may not pick up their meat with their fingers at a restaurant, but they may also be fearful, anxious or angry because of other challenges they are facing.
Here are the principles discussed:
Recognize you are doing the best you can. Don’t allow perfectionism to cause you guilt when you don’t measure up. Ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself and go on.
Understand the changes are part of the disease. Even without dementia, remember that fear can cause huge anxiety and sometimes irrational behaviour. Give your elder the opportunity to talk about what they are feeling.
Develop realistic expectations and modify them as the disease progresses. Look at situations which used to bring joy, and think of how they can be tweaked to still bring pleasure. Were large family gatherings one of the things she loved, but now crowds cause stress? Try having a few people at a time visit for a short period of time.
Accept new behaviours and lack of social skills. This can be difficult. Make sure your sense of humour is intact.
Remember caregiving is about love. And don’t forget to love yourself, even when you fail. Express that love to your elder and if they are open to physical touch, use it frequently.
Take your right hand and move it up to your left shoulder. Pat. You are doing a good job. Not all the time, but you are doing your best, and deserve a pat on the back!
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