Did you ever participate in an old fashioned tug-of-war game? Participants line up on either side of a sturdy rope, and at the command, everyone pulls for all their worth! Those on the sidelines yell and cheer, and eventually the stronger side pulls the rope, and the people holding it, to their side.
As a care partner, sometimes your emotions feel like the rope. Tugged this way, then pulled that way, straining to find a middle ground. This is never more true when your elder is admitted to long-term-care.
Emotional tug-of-war
For months you’ve been working toward this day. You’ve weathered so many decisions and difficult conversations, and now you are here. Your elder will have a transition time, but so will you.
You might be surprised how hard it is to let go. The first (and second and third) time you phone and your dad isn’t in his room. When you notice a staff member does something differently from the way you like. When you see your mom laughing and joking with one of the care partners who look after her.
You wanted this. Of course you did. But you have poured hours of your life into their care and laid awake worrying for months. You may experience some separation anxiety. In the depths of your heart, you may ask questions like, “Am I still needed? Do I still have a role?”
You know the answer. No one loves or cares for her like you do, and your role has changed but is more essential than ever.
Dictionary.com defines convoluted as “intricately folded, twisted or coiled.” 1. Is that how your emotions feel right now? It may help to know it’s normal.
Practical ways to transition
- Know the staff. Get to know her full time and part-time PSWs (so, 4 people) and the full and part-time nurses (2 people.) Try to connect with them and let them know you appreciate them. Sincere appreciation goes a long way. That way, if there is a problem or issue you need to bring to them, you have trust and relationship as “money in the bank.”
- Be the family everyone loves.
Most families are great. They work with us to provide the best of care, and together with them, staff feels like they are part of a team. A few families question everything and are combative over even the smallest issues. Constant disapproval puts staff on edge. Be the first family. - Find out who makes the fun happen
Get to know whoever is in charge of activities.They will be delighted to know your mom and what she would enjoy participating in. Ask for a monthly calendar and circle those events you know your elder would enjoy. Time your visits to coincide with some of these. Families who participate in activities with their loved one have fun together and get to know other residents and families. - Get to know other families Friendships are often borne among people who are experiencing similar journeys.
During this time of transition, allow yourself to both let go of some of your role and embrace it in new ways.
1.https://www.dictionary.com/browse/convoluted
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