Barbara sat in her car in the parking lot of her mother’s new home, staring at her hands and feeling like the worst daughter ever.
About a month ago, they’d moved her mom, Hazel, into long-term-care. From the first conversation, through downsizing, the move itself and beyond, they’d worked as a family team with minimal disagreements. Barbara thought she’d done her part and the whole experience had gone as smoothly as could be expected. So why was she a hot mess of anger today? She glanced in the rearview mirror and didn’t like who she saw. Not one bit.
Starting the engine, she drove to her sister Patsy’s house. Her brother was out of town and something inside her shrunk from talking to him anyway. He’d tell her to “get over it” and probably have a laugh at her expense. Patsy would understand.
Patsy already had the tea brewing as she walked in the house. They sat at the kitchen table and Barbara thankfully cradled her cup. “I just came from visiting mom.”
“Oh, that’s right. This week is your turn. How was she?” Since the Covid-19 restrictions had eased a little, one family member a week was allowed a socially distant visit with a recent COVID test. It was a lot to go through, but much better than not seeing Mom at all.
“She wasn’t there!”
Patsy’s head jerked and she looked alarmed. “What do you mean? Where was she?”
“She was having tea with another lady in the dining room, and when I went to join them, she told me they would be leaving for a writing class in five minutes. Then the other lady told me next time I should call ahead!”
Patsy laughed, which Barbara found offensive. Maybe someday, but today the whole experience felt anything but funny.
“And one of the care…people…was in her room when I went in there. I found that weird. She was in Mom’s drawers, and when I asked her what she was doing, she said putting laundry away. Then she began talking about Mom as if they were friends. What kinds of activities she likes, how she likes her room arranged–. I’m her daughter. I think I know these things!”
“Was it Karen?”
“What? How would I know her name?”
Patsy sat across from her and gave her a long look. “You’re jealous. You used to do so much for Mom when she lived in the apartment, and now she doesn’t need you in the same way. And that hurts.”
Barbara opened her mouth to protest, then shut it again. She hated it, but Patsy was right.
“Look, the reason I recognize what you’re feeling is I’ve had some of the same reaction. Mom still needs us, but more on an emotional level as her kids than in some of the practical things we did before. Isn’t this what we wanted? Mom has connected with the staff there and is loving the community life. I’m sure she has her moments, but for the most part, this is exactly what she needed.”
Barbara sighed. She didn’t have a lot to say.
“You know what we need to do to make this work? We need to connect with staff. Get to know them and find ways to reach out to the ones Mom likes the best. She definitely has some favourites. Now here are ways I’ve found to do that…”
Next week: Practical Ways to Connect With Staff
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