Mary’s care partner came to me looking frustrated.
“I don’t know what to do. Every drawer and cupboard and extra space is stuffed full, and today Tim came in with more presents for her. She was delighted, but I have no idea where to put them!”
I smiled. Although it was a lovely problem to have, it was a problem. Mary’s doting son continually brought her beautiful, good quality clothes, but if she lived to be 120, she couldn’t wear them all, let alone store them.
Everyone loved Tim, her son. A quiet, single man, he’d looked after his mother after the death of his father for many years, until she became wheelchair-bound and he couldn’t handle it. He’d hired caregivers, but she found it lonely waiting for him to come home each day. The decision to move her to care had been excruciating for Tim, but Mary had flourished.
So Tim bought her clothes, which he knew she loved, until her cupboards were bursting. Tim suffered from caregiver guilt.
What is caregiver guilt?
The feeling that either you failed in some way as a caregiver, or perhaps in many or all 
ways, can come from multiple sources. Perhaps you have done, or said something to your elder which you regret. Or maybe someone said something to you which made you feel guilty. Maybe you are trying to balance work and family and caregiving, and none of those balls are staying in the air. You feel you are failing in each area.
Caregiver guilt can lead to depression and other slippery emotional slopes. If you are experiencing it, you need support.
Can it ever be positive?
In certain cases, caregiver guilt can lead to a change in attitude and behaviour. If your guilt comes from something you have done for which you are ashamed, you can deal with and learn from it.
Melissa clenched her jaw as she looked at the name on her screen. The fifth call from Mom this morning as she tried to stay on top of her job and not let her boss know how distracted she felt.
“Missy, what time is my doctor’s appointment?”
“Mom. It’s tomorrow. It’s 10:00. I am taking you. I told you to write it down!” She hung up and immediately felt a wave of guilt. It wasn’t Mom’s fault she forgot things, and Melissa knew Mom was worried about the appointment, causing her to need to talk to Melissa over and over again. It got on her last nerve, but still…
In this kind of instance, Melissa can call her mother and apologize, listen sympathetically to her fears and then turn her phone off while at work. A combination of humility, compassion and boundaries can positively deal with the guilt she is feeling.
When is caregiver guilt destructive?
The answer is almost always. We will look at various aspects of this over the next month in more depth, but here are a few points to ponder.
- * When someone’s comment makes you feel guilty. “I could never put my mother in a home. We were brought up to look after our elders.”
- * When perfectionism leads me to try to do it all.
- * When I don’t care for myself from a misplaced sense of duty.
- * When I make caregiving all about me “Mom fell when visiting my
house. I wasn’t caring for her well. It’s my fault.” - * When I try to control things out of my control.
We’ll look at these situations this month, how to combat them, and what strategies you can employ to combat caregiver guilt.
CLICK TO TWEET
Ann, I always enjoy reading these articles as I deal with caring for my mom. They are very helpful. I did notice however that your click to tweets don’t work. Might want to check it out…