Someday, the pandemic will be over.
Someday, we will enjoy family dinners and hug our grandchildren and tuck our masks away at the back of our underwear drawer. Someday, future generations will study this horrific time and wonder how we lived through it.
What did we learn?
Each of us will have our own take on that question, but it’s important, when we focus on loneliness and isolation in the elderly, to clarify our answers and find wisdom for the future. Although the pandemic exacerbated an existing problem to an almost unbearable extent, the problem still exists.
What is needed?
Knowledge
By this I mean insights and understanding into the person in question. It involves a deep dive into understanding the circumstances and some of the reasons behind the problem. Here are a few questions to guide you.
Some elders living alone have real fears about the safety of their neighbourhoods. They feel vulnerable, even in daylight, and won’t go out alone. Is this the case?- There may be physical reasons for isolation. Mobility, cognitive decline, or even something as simple as a sight or hearing deficit. In a social situation, not being able to hear and having to ask to have something repeated over and over can be embarrassing and exhausting. The good news is, these are often solvable problems. A mobility aid, new glasses or hearing aids might be all that is needed. *a note to the uninitiated. Elders often have a build up of ear wax. If the hearing aids suddenly stop working and it’s not the battery, clean them and have your elder’s ears checked for wax. A non-functioning hearing aid acts like an ear plug!
- What do they enjoy? “She used to like reading.” It may be the case that sight difficulties make reading a struggle and cognitive challenges make the story impossible to follow. Maybe reading is no longer an option, or perhaps a short “Chicken Soup for the Soul” type story read to them would fill that need. Perhaps Mom has always been an introvert, but might enjoy a cup of tea and one-on-one conversation with one of her peers. The point is to know who they are today, and meet their needs based on that knowledge.
Creativity
I think the lessons of the pandemic boil down to creativity. After a time of mourning and perhaps a temper tantrum or two because we couldn’t do the things we wanted the way we were used to, our minds began to search for other ways. Sometimes the other ways were just as good or better. Certainly more memorable. Here are a few examples:
- Drive by birthday celebrations became a thing. I know of a special man with Down’s Syndrome who was devastated because there would be no party for his his 40th birthday. When the day came, a decorated lawn and garage and a drive by event that rivalled the Santa Claus parade sent him the overwhelming message that he was loved.
- A granddaughter had always played the violin for her grandma, but Grandma was in a care facility and no visitors were allowed due to the pandemic. The granddaughter bundled up and played in the courtyard. Residents, including Grandma, were similarly bundled and stood at balconies to listen. Many more than Grandma were blessed that day.
- I couldn’t see my granddaughters who live fairly close because one of them goes to in-person school. I became adept at thinking of treats to drop off on the porch. I would take a picture of the bag hanging on their mailbox and, like Amazon, would send them a text telling them “Gramazon” had been.
When the restrictions are lifted, we can take this creativity into future encounters. Do you have errands to run? Take your elder along. Different sights, experiences and a visit with you make for a great experience. Are the grandchildren going to visit? Have them bring their art work, science project or latest math test along. It will help them to share their world. Or does one of them need to practice the piano? Bring Grandpa for an enthusiastic audience of one.
One 20-year old in Scotland has taken this to the next level.
Purpose
Entertainment is fun and fills a valuable need. But at the end of the day, it’s the froth on the latte. Wonderful, but on it’s own it’s not enough.
I recently experienced this. Our pastor mentioned in passing in a sermon that he was craving a turkey dinner. My friend, who has an incredible gift for these things, organized a few of us into preparing it and surprising him. I was two weeks post surgery, but was asked to make my somewhat famous cranberry sauce. This involved 10 minutes of standing, which was my limit at the time, but I felt delight to be a part of things. In the grand scheme of a turkey dinner the cranberry sauce plays a small part, but it gave me a feeling of purpose and joy to be a part of the surprise.
People with dementia often give wonderful advice. When staff members were dating, getting married or having babies, I would encourage them to ask residents for advice. The wisdom and incredible stories which emerged were priceless.
“Grandma, can you help me?” These words are an invaluable gift.
Because of the pandemic, many of us have experienced loneliness and isolation in new ways, perhaps for the first time. Take this knowledge, this experience and use it to enhance the life of an elder you know.
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