My children refer to it as my “goose phase,” and it’s embarrassing.
I’ve always been a fan of the country look. Cozy, lots of wood and crafty decor. In our first house, I had the opportunity to decorate how I liked it. When everyone else went for the straight lines of Scandinavian furniture , I revelled in the curves of Mennonite-made. And geese.
I had goose dishes, a goose border in my kitchen, and goose tea towels. They were literally everywhere.
They lasted about five years, and then I was over it. I repainted the kitchen, bought new dishes and moved on from the geese.
Even as adults, we grow and change. I bet you don’t wear the same style of clothes you did 20 years ago, or wear your hair the same. Your interests are probably different. Your priorities have changed.
Yet, when it comes to people with dementia, we find it hard to think of them growing, and the only change we can see is the progression of the disease. It’s like we feel the person is frozen inside the shell called dementia, and they stay there until they die.
It isn’t like that. Your challenge as a caregiver, a friend or a family member, is to find the person behind the disease. Who are they today (because tomorrow may be different) and how can you celebrate that person and support them?
What do they value?
Not an easy question to answer, as it is many-faceted. Let’s break it down.
- What relationships are important to them? Children? Grandchildren? Friends? People at church or clubs they attended? A balance is important between enough social interaction and what can be overwhelming, so look at how much is best, and what benefits them the most. With their children, perhaps it’s remembering fun family times. With the grandchildren, they might want to hear about their lives, do an activity together or just watch them play. With friends, they may want a chat and a visit which doesn’t need (or want) your presence. Try to plan around energy levels and the best part of the day. And remember that plans don’t always work, and flexibility is important.
- What activities have been important to them in the past? Remember, people grow and change,
and some of these may hold no interest now. Mabel used to send personalized Christmas cards to all her friends, and it was a point of pride with her. When she developed dementia, her daughter helped her for a few years, but it soon became evident that this activity, once so important, no longer mattered. They dropped it. However, shopping for gifts for every member of her family was still important, so they supported her in that. And she still loved to be a part of Christmas cookie baking and tree decorating. Her family showed sensitivity in listening to Mabel and watching to see what made her face come alive and her eyes sparkle.
Isolation and the feeling of not having anything to contribute are a huge problem among the elderly. As we look further into seeing people with dementia and beyond the disease, next week we will look at finding purpose and a place in the larger community.