The first Sunday in church when they mentioned that some people might feel reluctant to touch, I thought they were crazy. They demonstrated how you could hip bump instead (while turning your head away–that was before masks) and I cringed at the ridiculousness of it and turned to hug the person in the pew behind me.
Little did I know.
In a few weeks, I ordered masks (which I still wear today.) Then watching church online, by myself at home, became the only option. Our worlds shrank and we hid with fear in our homes.
We didn’t touch anyone outside our immediate family. Ever.
We’re on the other side, and although caution is still needed, we now shake hands and hug at least a trusted few. But the lack of touch over those months and years took their toll. This is especially true for elders, whose world shrinks and whose opportunities for contact are less. For elders whose love language is physical touch, the lack can be devastating.
Why Do We Need Touch?
Hugging and other forms of nonsexual touching cause your brain to release oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone.” This stimulates the release of other feel-good hormones, such as dopamine and serotonin, while reducing stress hormones, such as cortisol and norepinephrine. These neurochemical changes make you feel happier and less stressed. Research suggests that being touched can also lower your heart rate and blood pressure, lessen depression and anxiety, boost your immune system, and even relieve pain. 1
How Does the Lack of Touch Affect Us?
Listen as this cancer victim describes his feelings about the lack of touch during the pandemic.
Although not all elders are “touchers” and “huggers,” those who express and receive love through touch, need it as much as food and water. If you are able to visit, hug, hold a hand, stroke an arm, give a kiss. Picture your elder as having a cup inside them which can be filled to the brim with just these few simple actions.
(A funny aside: As I am trying to type, my dog insists on licking my fingers. Any idea how hard it is to type with the continuous motion of a tongue on your hands? I realized, though, that he was giving me a physical illustration of my point. The main property of Cavalier King Charles Spaniels is their propensity for affection. He loves to be loved, and if I ignore him (such as when trying to type my blog) he will make his needs known until I acquiesce.)
Most elders are too polite to act pushy, but they still need touch, especially if that’s their love language.
What If I Don’t Live Physically Close?
I’m currently in a long distance relationship, and it’s hard. Both of us miss hugs and physical touch when we need to be apart. We talk about six times a day (can you guess that “quality time” ranks high on both our love languages?) and each time we end a call, we make “kissy” noises. It may seem silly, but to both of us, it says, “I’d kiss you if I could.”
You can do this when talking on the phone with your elder, or when FaceTiming, Skyping or Zooming. Also, make sure those who are able to visit know how important physical touch is to them. Say things like, “Here’s a hug, and here’s another one from Janice, who sends her love.”
Maybe, in the end, Charlie Brown says it best. 
- https://www.dignityhealth.org/articles/facts-about-touch-how-human-contact-affects-your-health-and-relationships
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