The year after my husband died, I asked to make Christmas dinner.
My sister-in-law and I went year-about with Christmas, and it was her turn. My coping mechanism, for the first few months, entailed keeping myself so busy, I didn’t have a lot of time to think. I worked full-time, made all the preparations for Christmas and baked for others. I needed some space between me and the event of his death. In the new year, I found the strength to slow down and process everything.
But not yet.
The thought of spending all of Christmas day sitting and doing nothing sounded like torture to me. So I asked if we could switch.
Ask for what you need
Asking has always been difficult for me. Even when the question “What do you want for Christmas?” is asked, I have trouble bringing forward an answer. I understand how hard it can be to put your needs forward. “I need help, I need to step back, I need to keep busy.” It’s important to remember that your friends and family are probably wringing their hands in the background, wondering what they can do to help. Most times, they jump at the chance to be there for you. Give them that opportunity.
Give a gift in their name
Most charities are set up to accept memorial gifts, and some will even send a card to whoever you choose. 
You might select the organization based on the disease your loved one struggled with (such as the Cancer Society or the Alzheimer’s Association), their church, or even a ministry close to their hearts. For Jenn, I gave to a youth drop-in close to me which comes alongside and mentors teenagers. I know Jenn would have been on board with this, and I felt closer to her when I did it.
Give yourself time
I’ve spoken about how grief is sneaky and doesn’t play fair. This is never more true than when unpacking treasured Christmas decorations. Suddenly a flood of memories at a special ornament will bring a new wave of grief. Stop and give yourself time to experience it. Remember when you got that ornament, what happened, how you felt. Acknowledge how you feel now.
Create new traditions
As families change and grow, traditions morph as well. Things will be different this year, so use this opportunity to start some new traditions. What would be meaningful to you and your family, and perhaps also tie in the memory of your loved one? Talk to your family, as they might have ideas as well.
Write a letter
This might not work for everyone, but if you are the kind of person who expresses yourself better in writing than in words, and who processes your thoughts and feelings through your fingers rather than your mouth, this might be useful. Write to your loved one, telling them about your struggles, how you feel about it, and Christmas plans you would talk about with them if they were here. You may want to add to these letters, either yearly, or ongoing for a while.
Do it together
Did you and your loved one like to go to movies together? Or cozy up with Netflix and a bowl of popcorn at 
home? Did you have a favourite restaurant, or a park or trail you liked to walk together? A book you both enjoyed? Celebrate their life through sharing this with others who loved them. It may bring a few tears, but also laughter and certainly memories.
As you face this first Christmas, it will be hard. But it will get better in time, as the sharp edges of grief soften. Do what you can to celebrate who they were, and find who you are without them.
You aren’t alone. Reach out to family and friends. Email me at peachmanstewart@gmail.com
Find the blessing. It will be there.
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