The answer to today’s Wordle puzzle was “ninja.”
Immediately, tears pricked my eyes and a thousand memories flooded my brain.
I miss my favourite ninja.
You may have read about the passing of my lovely niece, Jenn, this last August. https://smallmiracles.online/the-not-so-small-miracle-of-jenn-a-life-well-lived/ As a marathon runner, she would get up before sunrise during Manitoba winters to train, race in the heat of the summer and pull to the finish line through the pain of all kinds of injuries. She referred to herself as a “ninja.”
That she was.
Months later, while I’m completing the morning ritual of my favourite word puzzle, grief pounces and consumes me.
Grief acts sneaky like that. It doesn’t play fair, seldom gives warning and can be incredibly inconvenient. As my niece’s family anticipates this season without her, I thought of others I know who are facing a “first Christmas” without an important person. Perhaps your elder has lost a friend (or a few friends) and is struggling with how to cope as the season approaches. Let’s hold hands as we go forward to Christmas, and share some ideas which might help.
Get real
Acknowledge that although what you are going through is painful, it isn’t unusual. Grief will catch you at odd moments, sucker-punch you when you aren’t expecting it and make you feel downright embarrassed at times.
When I returned to work after my husband’s death, I used lunch hours to make some of the difficult phone calls which were needed to tie up his affairs. On the phone to the Canada Revenue Agency, I suddenly burst into tears. The woman on the other end of the phone acted far more gentle and kind than I would have expected. Beyond the grief, I felt desperately embarrassed.
But grief acts like that, and you need to expect it. It will happen. People are kind and far less embarrassed than you might be.
Talk with family
Friends, co-workers and neighbours may not be sure whether it’s better to talk about your loved one or keep silent. In their intense desire to do the right thing, they may make the topic of your loved one “the elephant in the room.” But your family, especially when they are gathered for the holidays, will have stories and anecdotes to share. You can laugh and cry together, and remember.
Set boundaries
Everyone knows Christmas can get out of control. It’s all good, even fun, so deciding not to do something, even for one year, can be difficult. But grieving is work. It’s your job right now, on top of your responsibilities to your family, the job you get paid for and any other church or volunteer organizations you are a part of. Grief will sap your energy and takes up space in your thoughts and emotions. The bottom line is, there isn’t enough room for everything. 
The year my husband was sick and the following year when he died, I didn’t set up my Christmas village. I love it, I felt bereft, but I didn’t have the energy. During another time of grief, I didn’t set up the tree. That may not have been the right decision, but at the time, it felt like more than I could handle.
Look at your schedule, evaluate your energy, and make some decisions. It won’t be forever.
A note here: if your family pushes back, delegate. “It’s not Christmas unless we make cookies (or go see the lights, or cut our own tree etc.) It’s tradition!” Explain to them that you don’t have the emotional or physical energy to bake this year, but you’d be happy to buy the ingredients if they would like some kitchen time (and will clean up!) This may lead to some new traditions.
We will spend some time looking at ideas and ways to make Christmas meaningful while grieving over the next weeks. Remember these two things:
- It will be hard.
- You aren’t alone.
I’d love if you would share in the comments any ideas, or your own experiences.
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