Do you remember the excitement when the Eaton’s catalogue used to arrive?
I could ask for one present. I’d always receive more than that, and my stocking contained all kinds of small treasures, but the one I asked for would be the “desire of my heart” present. The thing I couldn’t live without (or so I thought.) I received no guarantees that what I chose would be under the tree, but I believed serious consideration would be given to my choice.
I would pour over the catalogue, making a choice and then discarding it for a better one. The shiny pages held so many wonders–how could I ever settle on one? The Eaton’s catalogue consumed me with wonder as, night after night, I poured over the pages making choices.
Choices can be difficult. However, not having choices can be gut-wrenching.
Throughout my career, and even since then, I’ve talked to caregivers and elders about choices. There was a conversation I had over and over again.
“Right now, you have choices. You are well enough to make decisions about your future, and you are mentally able to make them. However, you know that there have been changes in your body. You need more help, and the choices you make now will have repercussions for the rest of your life. If you put off making choices, an event will happen which will take your choices away from you. You’ll fall and break a bone, or a medical event will happen and you may need to go to hospital. You could be in a position where you have no choices left. That’s why it’s so important to make good choices now.” (paraphrase of a conversation with multiple elders)
Research first
Every province in Canada and state in the United States handles long-term care admission differently. As a care partner, find out the process where you live and look at waiting lists, what kinds of care are available in different places, and the cost. It’s important to have current, correct information.
What about other options? Could someone come in to provide help with housekeeping? Meals? Bathing help? Maybe some services don’t need a professional, and cost could be reduced.
Make a list. What kind of help do you think your elder needs? Look into options and costs.
Have “the talk.” Maybe several talks
Choose your time, when they have had enough sleep, are relaxed and open. Come at the conversation from an attitude of caring and wanting to help. Use “I” statements, which are less threatening. “I’m concerned that the housework is becoming too much for you. How can I help?”
Deal with one issue at a time. Ask questions and listen to the answers. “What do you find your greatest challenge at the moment?” You may be surprised that the answer isn’t what you expected. Look at solutions together. There may be several issues to deal with, but each success gives you both encouragement to work on the others.
You may get denial, push-back and anger. Remember the fear that lies behind this. Listen, listen, listen, and give back caring and love. In the middle of a tirade, you may see an opportunity to make a small change. It’s a start. Ensure your elder feels in control and that you want to help and support.
Difficult conversations are an ongoing issue and are…well…difficult. Have them anyway, and celebrate the small victories.
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