The few days before the move to long-term-care rank high among the most stressful for the care partner, and often the elder as well.
Here’s a peek into the care partner’s mind:
Am I doing the right thing? Should I have done it sooner? Did I wait too long?
Will Mom adjust? Will she hate me for this?
Should I bring this or that treasure? How do I decide what will be important to her?
Is it better to visit often at first or hold back and let her get used to it?
The place seemed okay. Will the staff be kind to her?
Will I live through this? Will she?
Meanwhile, in your elder’s mind:
I know I said I was okay with this. I’m not. I’m scared.
Will I make friends? Will I ever see my old friends again?
How can I start all over again at my age?
Where will I put my important things?
Will I survive this?
- Prepare two, one-page documents. It will be tempting to make them longer, but stick to one page, as that is what people will read. The first should be your mother’s routines. When does she like to get up in the morning? What does she like to wear? How does she like her coffee (or tea.) etc. All those little things, that if someone knew, it would make life and the transition easier for her. Within the first two weeks, someone is going to prepare a care plan for your elder. If it’s the medical staff, the plan will contain mostly medical issues. Those are important, but your elder is more than her heart issues and bunions. Give a copy to the full time nursing staff, as well as the personal support workers who will be caring for her during the day and evening. For the most part, these are the people who will be caring for her, and they will probably appreciate knowing these things. It makes their job easier.
- The second document (one sheet again) should be who your mother is. Her simple pleasures (what makes her eyes light up?) and some of her personal history. Interesting facts that, if someone was talking to her, they could mention these things and she would remember and participate in the conversation. Try to come up with fascinating things that someone caring for her would read and comment on. (“You met Pierre Trudeau? You golfed into your 90s? Wow, you travelled a lot of places! What was France like?”) Put this one sheet into a frame and put it in a conspicuous place in her room. Maybe have a brightly coloured title like WHO AM I? or something like that. The idea is that people caring for her will get to know who she is as a person and talk to her about her experiences.
- Bring some of those photo albums, or make some from the shoeboxes of pictures. Mom can participate. Even if she doesn’t remember all the names, she might remember the cottage you visited yearly, or that special trip to the beach. Pictures can be a fun activity to do together.
- Setting the room up, you should bring her favourite things. The chair she likes to sit in, pictures for the wall that are familiar to her, and whatever else will make this seem like home. One mistake people make is trying to cram too much in a small room. Especially if there’s a wheelchair involved, space is an issue. No rugs (tripping hazard) and maybe two chairs—one for her to sit in, and one for whoever is visiting. If it is
labelled, you can probably have her favourite afghan or comforter for her bed, and a few other things. Definitely her basket of knitting. - Talk to whoever’s in charge about mealtimes. One of the most important activities, it happens three times a day and who she sits with is important. Let them know enough about her so they can sit her with congenial people.
There will be stress. But I have seen residents, over and over, who flourish after the initial transition time. All kinds of people are working hard to make that happen.
But what about you? Your role is changing dramatically. How will you handle it?
Come back next week…
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