Back in the mid-1950s, they were both in high school and she experienced heart palpitations whenever he passed her in the hall. He was three years older, and she doubted he even noticed her. But he did. One day he caught up with her and walked her home. She sat in the old swing out the front of her house and they talked for an hour, while her mother peeked through the curtains.
They laughed for years about the significance of that hour. It was during that time she decided he was the cutest and smartest boy she had ever met, and he decided he was going to marry this little sweetheart some day. “Some day” was almost five years later, which still wasn’t enough time according to her mother, but they couldn’t wait any longer. Her mother sewed her dress and her big sister was maid of honour.
Although she was incredibly proud when he used the term, she admitted only to herself that she had no idea how to be a wife. She learned, however, and also how to be a mother, as two sons and a daughter joined their family. Her role as wife changed and grew over the years as she supported him through business failures, new jobs and all the ups and downs life brings. Before they blinked, those children were grown and they had grandchildren, and she added a new role to her repertoire.
When her youngest daughter was getting married and asked about being a wife, she surprised herself with the wisdom that flowed from her. Where had she learned so much about what it meant to be a wife? She decided it was in the school of life, and she’d had some amazing teachers.
When the changes came, they were subtle and almost unnoticeable. A forgotten appointment here, a repeated conversation there. Keys lost again and again. When they became more frequent, a tiny part of her brain began to inquire, but she firmly closed the door on that line of questioning. It wasn’t until the day when he got lost driving home from work that she could no longer ignore the truth. She had a new role. She was a care partner.
Of all the roles in her life, this was the most mystifying. She was caring for this man she had loved for so many years, but she was still his wife. How could she count out his pills and make sure he took them without infantilizing him? How could she deal with incontinence and still maintain intimacy? Who could she tell about her greatest fears, when her greatest fears involved him?
A wife who becomes a care partner walks a fragile line. She cannot walk it alone.
If you are a friend, draw alongside her. Listen, even if you have no words of advice. Allow her to laugh and cry and tell her stories because you are giving her an invaluable gift. Encourage her to find a support group of people going through similar circumstances. If necessary, go with her to several meetings until she is connected.
There are ways in which the care partner role makes the wife role exceedingly difficult. With time, patience and persistence, she can learn both roles and even excel at them. She can find her way to a fulfilling new relationship with her husband.
Help her find her way. Be a friend.
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