As a caregiver for my seriously ill husband, I worked a full day in the city and then, if he was in hospital as he was now, grabbed a sandwich or the like at the hospital, spent time with him and returned home in time to fall into bed. The next day I went to work and repeated the cycle. “You need to take care of yourself, or you will wear out,” said my friends, and I knew it was true, but I didn’t know how else to meet his needs. He spent the whole day waiting for my visit. I saw no other option.
As I rode home in the bus, I grabbed the buzzing phone when I saw the words “Credit Valley Hospital”. Our local hospital, and my husband had been admitted to the cardiac care unit. My heart in my throat, I answered. The nurse explained the medical team had decided to transfer him by ambulance to a hospital in the city which specialized in cardiac care. I looked out the window, realizing his ambulance and my bus might well be passing on the highway.
I realized I couldn’t visit him tonight. By the time I got home and then headed to the city, visiting hours would be over. I could go home, have a decent meal, a hot bath and fall into bed early. The excitement of a “night off” inflated me, but only minutes later, guilt popped my balloon. What kind of a wife, caregiver, person was I?
Caregiver guilt is real. It’s generally unreasonable and unfair but it can destroy the person who lets it. This month we will look at reasons for caregiver guilt, strategies to overcome it, and how to silence the critic in your head.
Why Caregiver Guilt?
Maybe you’re the type of person who’s hard on yourself in everything. If that’s the case, you need to talk to a professional and get help. But many caregivers only beat themselves up in this one area. Why?
- You feel inadequate. Most of us didn’t sign up for this, and we’re learning as we go. We make
mistakes, and it’s hard to forgive ourselves. We’re frustrated when we don’t know the answers or there doesn’t seem to be any. Or you just get something figured out and tomorrow it changes. - Even as a professional caregiver, which I did “sign up for,” there were many times I didn’t know what I was doing, or there were problems I wasn’t sure how to solve. I had the advantage of a team to consult. Most caregivers feel they are on their own with the many challenges they face.
- Guilt can be insidious and hide as other emotions. Until I recognize it for what it is, I’m swatting at the wrong ball.
- For whatever reason, I’m trying to “go it alone.” Not getting support is the most common cause of caregiver burnout.
- As a caregiver, I forget that I am also a care partner (see last month’s blogs) and that there are real ways in which my elder can care for me.
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I’m so tired. Caregiving isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Ask any marathon runner—there are times in the race where they “hit a wall” and want to give up. Exhaustion is real and can occur multiple times in a day, let alone throughout the whole journey. It’s a soul weariness that isn’t helped by sleep. This exhaustion involves your body, your emotions, your thoughts—every part of your being.
I’m sure you can list other reasons. You are, after all, the expert. There are no easy solutions, but some of the strategies we look at may help.
Give yourself permission, on your caregiver journey, to look for answers.
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