Raise your hand if you’ve ever experienced “mommy guilt.” Every hand of every mother reading this should be raised. It’s that common. Some of us experienced it every day. Consider this scenerio: It’s your 5-year-old’s birthday, and although you were up several times in the night with a teething baby, you got up early to make her pancakes for breakfast. By her place at the table is a present–an outfit you know she will love in pink and purple with lots of sparkles. You let her change into it. You know there’s a two-wheeler with training wheels and a big red bow waiting in the garage for when she gets home. 
You kiss her good-bye as she climbs on to the bus and feel a little nostalgic that your baby is getting so big. Fast forward several hours and she climbs off the bus, but her eyes are clouded by tears and her lip trembles. You forgot the tradition in Kindergarten for the birthday child to bring cupcakes for the class. She had no cupcakes.
Mommy guilt. Long after your child forgives you and even forgets the incident, you will be sure “bad mother” is tattooed on your forehead. Daddy guilt exists, too, and is just as rampant. Perfection escapes us and it’s a mystery why we keep chasing it, but we do.
Caregiver guilt works the same way. From a sense of love, compassion and yes, obligation, we strive to do the best job we can. When we fail, even in a small way, caregiver guilt blows up in our faces. We are quick to condemn and slow to forgive ourselves.
This month we are talking about the qualities of a care partner, but also why it’s alright to fall short of perfect in any of them. We are going to be kind to ourselves.
Google “qualities of a caregiver.” The list will be endless, exhausting and definitely daunting. My list included 20 and I combined a few. Over the next month we will look at some of the top ones and what you can do if you don’t make the cut one day.
Patience/Respect
Almost always at the top of the list, patience is an attribute you will develop in your care partner journey if you don’t already possess it.
When I was in high school, I had a teacher tell me I was patient in relation to a boyfriend who didn’t treat me with respect. Although I learned later that wasn’t patience, I wore it like a badge of honour. Years later, as I became a mother and ran a daycare, I learned real qualities of patience. When I started to work with elders I leaned my patience cup was maybe one third full. I had a long way to go.
Patience is listening to the same story as if it’s the first time. It’s answering the same question for the 20th time and keeping the sweetness in your voice. It’s greeting the person who most tries your patience as if seeing them is the best part of your day.
As a care partner, you will develop incredible patience. Like many of the attributes, it has a companion which helps you through the tough days and will be there for you when you fall. The companion is respect.
Respect remembers the person your elder was before their memory failed or anxiety stole their ability to handle the repetitive questions. Even if you don’t have personal memories, respect knows that this person had attributes which were loved and admired. Still does. And respect gives you the courage to apologize when your response wasn’t your best self. Even if they don’t remember the incident, you do, and out of respect for both of you, you say you’re sorry.
Good Communicator/Compassion
Communication with an elder contains many aspects, depending on both their abilities and their level of need. With some, it’s sitting with a cup of tea and soaking in the wisdom and fun of a great afternoon’s chat. With others it’s an arm around the shoulder, listening to a familiar litany of complaints. It may be all non-verbal–a smile, a hand massage, a gentle touch. 
I used to assist a resident who was non-verbal with her breakfast and sometimes lunch. It amazed me how much I learned about her although she didn’t say a word. I knew her favourite foods and those she didn’t care for. I knew when she laughed at me with her eyes and when I was getting “the look.” We developed a relationship over many months without her saying a word.
Communication for care partners goes beyond the elder, though. Every person, and they are often legion, involved in their care requires your communication skills. Doctors, nurses, other care staff, even other residents and families if they live in a care home. It can wear you down.
The companion skill here is compassion. Compassion spends a few moment getting into your elder’s skin. It imagines not being able to hear correctly and missing parts of conversations, or worrying about going blind as your sight dims. It sees the immense courage it takes to interact with others when the words you want to use disappear, or pushing through the pain of aching joints every day. Compassion gives you new insight and helps you communicate more effectively.
Take heart, care partner. You are amazing, and even on a day when you aren’t, you can forgive yourself and start again. Guilt condemns and you don’t deserve that.
Courage!
CLICK TO TWEET