“No.”
All her life, Maggie had been in the middle of everything. A little raucous and “off the wall,” irreverent and fun, full of life. But life had almost drained from her, and as a widow, blind and in a wheelchair, she didn’t bubble as she used to. She barely simmered most days.
So when her daughters suggested she’d be a perfect candidate to attend our camping trip (a camping experience in a fully accessible cabin with plenty of staff) she gave a resounding answer. “No. Not happening. Never.”
Maggie was stubborn, but she’d raised strong-willed daughters with opinions. I watched, not sure who would win this battle. Later, we kidded about the skid marks on the carpet as Maggie dragged her feet onto the bus. (There were no skid marks, but only because she used a wheelchair!) Maggie came alive over those few days. She fished, painted a t-shirt and sat on the porch with others, sunning herself and chatting. She helped prepare dinner and sang at campfire. She had so much fun that the following year, when the opportunity arose again, she talked to anyone who would listen about why they should go.
What made the change in Maggie?
Community. A born leader and a social extrovert, when she got out of her room and among others, she blossomed. All the fun experiences helped, but being in community fed her soul.
I loved Maggie, and she taught me a lot, but I am her total opposite. As a shy introvert, I back away from social activities because they drain me. They also feed me, given the right activity and the right balance of social interactions and times to withdraw. My point is, we all need community, but no one size fits all.
Look at the following suggestions through this lens. Have a discussion, or perhaps several discussions, with your elder, looking for the best fit.
Visits of all kinds
For some elders, a visit in their home is the perfect answer. It’s on their turf, in their safe space, so is non-threatening and allows for them to enjoy community without leaving home. For some, it turns home into a place which is no longer safe. Makes them feel on edge and uncomfortable. Have a conversation with your elder, or go on your knowledge of them, and determine if this will help. If so, look at what kind of visit (or perhaps a variety) would be best, and what is the best duration. Here are some ideas:
- family, including grandchildren
- neighbours or others who like to visit
- your elder’s peers (you could provide transportation)
- a paid caregiver. Some people grow close to their caregivers and see them as a friend, looking forward to their visits.
Shared accommodation
The right fit is key, but with personalities who connect, this can be perfect.
- A boarder, perhaps a university student or someone looking for accommodations at a reduced rent. Ideal would be someone who would be willing to do light housework for an even greater reduction.
- A roommate who is willing to share the space. There are agencies willing to vet potential candidates.
Pet visitors
Not everyone is an animal lover, but for those who are, it can cause deep sorrow to not be able to keep a pet due to decreased mobility or some of the other difficulties of elderhood. Arrange with someone in the neighbourhood for a visit from a favourite kind of pet. If it can be a regular thing, all the better. There may be a business in your area which provides this service (ask Google, Siri or Alexa!) or you might need to arrange it privately. If you don’t know anyone, try putting it out there on social media.
This is only a start. Check in next week for more ideas.
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