Lizzie loved to help others. When she lived in her apartment, she would trundle up the hill to the local grocery store to get groceries for her neighbour. She ran a tea party in the long-term-care section on Saturdays, and assisted with meals for people who couldn’t feed themselves. She handed out hymn books at church on Sunday and assisted residents to find the correct page.
The problem is, Lizzie’s now over 100, and can’t do many of the things she loved to do. Many years ago staff asked her to stop pushing wheelchairs because it wasn’t safe for her or the person in the chair, but she still does it. She doesn’t have dementia, but she is impatient and can’t stand to see someone waiting to go to a program. She’d rather take them herself.
“How do you solve a problem like Maria?” as the song says…or Lizzie?
What is the problem? Lizzie’s love language is acts of service. It’s not only how she expre
sses love, but it gives her a feeling of purpose. Without it, she feels as if no one needs her, like she has no reason to be here. That’s a dangerous position for an elder. Staff realized they had to find an answer when they caught themselves continually running after Lizzie, telling her she couldn’t do this or that.
What do you do when your elder whose love language is service, can no longer physically serve?
What can they do?
Although their world may have shrunk, look for tasks which are still possible. Look outside the box for possible new projects which may not have been considered before. Lizzie couldn’t pour tea any more, but could pass a plate of cookies, and was still able to hand out hymn books a few at a time.
What should they never do?
Never, never create busy work. Besides being disrespectful and patronizing, most elders pick up on it with lightning speed.
The joke is told about an activity director in a dementia unit who brought a basket of towels in for folding. The ladies around the table dutifully folded them and she thanked them, took the basket away and returned a few minutes later with another basket for them. One lady turned to another and quietly said, “You know it’s the same basket. She just messed them up.” The second lady replied. “I know. But it makes her happy, so I keep doing it.”
Having said that, our home always folded the napkins a special way, and one afternoon a week I would sit around a table with residents and fold napkins. One of our best folders, a lady with advanced dementia, out folded all of us! This useful job sparked fun conversation around the table, and one of the dining room staff would come and collect them, thanking the ladies for their work. She meant it sincerely–anything we didn’t get done had to be completed by their staff. They loved us!
A different kind of “doing”
Have you ever considered that emotional support is a kind of doing? Here are some examples:
- “I have no idea what to make for dinner tonight. Do you have any ideas?”
- I’m not sure how to solve this problem. What do you think?
- “Can I come and visit? I could really use a friend.”
In our role as care partners, it’s easy to forget the partner part. We give a lot of care, but there are ways in which our elders can care for us.
Those elders who show love through acts of service would love nothing better than to express that care.
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