After my husband died, my friends would often take me shopping with them. I’ve always hated shopping, but I needed companionship so I’d follow them around the stores like a lost puppy. On one of these excursions to a craft store, my friend went in search of what she needed and I wandered the aisles until I stopped in front of a display of posters. Mesmerized, I looked at Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, looking worried as she clutched her little dog. “Toto, we’re not in Kansas any more.” Something inside me yelled a resounding, “Yes!” That’s exactly how I felt. Nothing felt familiar. Nothing felt like home. In spite of non-existent finances, I bought that poster and displayed it in my front foyer for years. Dorothy understood.
As Hazel had anticipated, her family wanted to talk about her upcoming move to long-term-care with her at dinner that night. However, her son had a question which startled her. “Mom, what do you want? What’s important to you in a place to live?”
She’d never thought about it. She supposed you looked for a place within your budget which seemed clean and reasonably well kept and you learned to live with it. She had choices?
Her daughter-in-law grabbed her laptop and started making a list as they talked. Perhaps not everything was possible, but it was important to identify what mattered. Here are a few of their points:
- Not just clean, but well maintained. Wheelchairs easily make scrapes and gouges in walls. Are these regularly fixed? Is the lighting bright enough and are there plenty of windows? Is the decor pleasing?
- There shouldn’t be smells. Occasionally if a bowel accident is being cleaned up there might be an odour, but the smell of urine should not be present. If it is, people aren’t being toileted often enough.
- Given Covid-19 concerns, her daughter-in-law said they should ask about infection control protocols when they had active cases. And what about everyday cleaning? Good questions.
- She thought ahead to having people help her with the most personal parts of her day. Bathing, dressing, toileting. She shuddered a little, but then said, “I’d like staff who care and who enjoy their jobs. People who want to get to know me.”
“How would you like to spend your day, Mom? There’s usually activities happening, and there’ll be other people to visit with. What do you think you’d like to do?” Hazel thought about the few chores that filled her day now, and watching TV and staring out the window. The thought of other people and activities was both exciting and a little daunting.
5. “I’d like to have lots of choice about what to do, and I’d like to feel I could go or not, depending on how I felt.”
6. “I’d also like to feel like I was contributing somehow. Not just being entertained, but actually having some purpose.”
7. Hazel remembered her garden at her house before the move to the apartment, and how much it meant to her. “I’d love to be able to sit outside in the good weather and look at flowers.”
8. “We want a doctor on call all the time and nurses 24/7” added her daughter. Good point.
9. “I’d like to be a part of my medical decisions as long as I can.” Hazel heard the keys clacking as everything got recorded.
10. “What about animals?” asked her grandson. “Can Stuffy come to visit?” Another good question to be added to the list.
11. Hazel hesitated and then asked, “What about cost? Can I afford a room of my own? And how many of the amenities cost extra? Can I afford this for the rest of my life?” Her voice wavered. She’d secretly worried about this one.
12. “It needs to be close enough that we can visit a lot.” said her son with a smile.
Her daughter-in-law finished typing and snapped the lid of her laptop shut. “We’ve got a lot to think about. Tours aren’t possible right now because of the lockdown, but we can make phone calls and ask questions. Let’s get together in a month and see what we’ve found.”
Although Hazel will probably still experience the unfamiliarity of “not being in Kansas anymore” when the time comes to move, identifying “what matters” is an important step in feeling more comfortable. As her family searches, they know what’s important to her and what to look for. They may not be able to find a place with everything on her list, but knowing will bring them closer.
Hang on! We’re getting closer to moving day!
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I love your insights. I know this will be helpful to many making decisions like this today.
Thanks so much, Janice. Feel free to send it on to anyone who might benefit.