This blog is special.
It contains an interview with an elder who receives care with input from one of her daughters. First-hand experiences and wisdom are gold, and I feel excited to share with you.
What are some important qualities of a good caregiver?
Personality
“Friendly, personable. It’s important to me that they chat while doing mundane tasks. I appreciate them more when they make that effort. When they are too quiet, it makes me feel like I don’t want to bother chatting.”
Thoughtfulness/Respect
“This is shown in little things like closing the door when showering me, both for privacy and to keep the room warm. I love it when they ask ‘Is there anything else I can do for you, or get you?’ “
Disrespect is an attitude which comes out in subtle actions. “I feel disrespected when they rush to get me up, rather than taking their time and helping me sit up slowly. One PSW burned my ear when she held the hair dryer too close. When I protested, she didn’t really listen. Another day, I was giving her feedback and she turned on the blowdryer while I was mid-sentence.”
Initiative
This family now has a wonderful caregiver/carepartner who has taken them out to see the fall leaves and to a garden centre to pick up flowers for the balcony. Including an elder in these kinds of excursions turns a small errand into a fun expedition.
“I love when she asks what I feel like doing. Also, it helps the family when she offers to do small tasks like taking out the garbage or straightening my bed.”
Expertise and Flexibility in Meal Preparation
“It’s important that they can cook good, nourishing meals, and I love when there is also a salad on the side. The meal needs to be presented well (look appetizing) and she needs to listen to my requests so that it’s something I enjoy. It’s also important for us that she makes meals appropriate for blood sugar levels.” The key here is respect in a different form, listening and understanding what is needed and wanted and providing it in a pleasing way.
Safety
“I told a PSW the other night that my daughters like it when they hold onto my brief while I’m doing exercises up and down the hall. (A brief is an incontinence product. When helping a frail elder walk for exercise or physio, it provides stability for the person with them to hold the brief or pants.) I know the family can relax when PSWs make safety a top priority.
Interests/activities
“I like it when they ask which games or activities I prefer.” (Note from her daughter: The answer will always be 
Scrabble!) However, even when a caregiver knows the preference for an activity, how an elder likes their tea or a favourite meal, it’s always important to ask. People change. Once in a long while, I want a peanut butter sandwich for dinner, and that’s okay.
Punctuality
In a long-term-care situation, staff cover for each other. If someone is delayed because the subway stopped (I can’t tell you how many times this happened to me!) they have no control over the situation and others will cover. But in private care, family needs to cover and it causes stress. Barring unusual circumstances, the family needs to know the caregiver will be there when they say they will. Also, leave when they are supposed to. This family told of the first caregiver they hired who left eight hours early from a three-day shift. Her only shift, obviously.
Boundaries
Here is some advice from the family of this elder:
“The first one talked only about herself and didn’t ask questions to show an interest in Mom. She talked entirely too much and exhausted Mom by the end of day one. She had no understanding of the give and take of conversation. She also told us on her first day that she had tried unsuccessfully to sue her former employer. She shared entirely too much about her personal life, even though she was only there for a few days.”
Boundaries are a tricky line to walk. On the one hand, you want personable, and that means the person needs to share who they are to some extent. On the other hand, oversharing, especially before a relationship has been established, is unprofessional.
Some final advice
“If using an agency, insist on doing interviews yourself. Ask questions which are challenging. Create scenarios which would require high-level problem solving. Responses to these will be golden.”
“Initially, we hoped to find a live-in caregiver, but realized there weren’t any excellent candidates within our budget. We had to pivot and rethink the plan as a family. We sought out a full-time daytime caregiver and filled in the gaps ourselves on evenings and weekends. Even though it was a long, painful process to fill this role, it was better to take our time and find a great addition to our home. Hiring the wrong person was a disaster and the firing process was uncomfortable and stressful for Mom.”
Every situation is different, but many of these seeds of wisdom from a family who needed to search for care and the elder receiving it may speak to you in your search.
*Special thanks to my wonderful friend and her family who opened their hearts to share their experiences.
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