I love babies. I have a new granddaughter, and watching her grow is a delight. When she was just a week old, she melted into my shoulder, and I revelled in the feel and smell of her. Now she is two months old and smiling and it’s a whole new kind of wonderful. (p.s. I have seven grandchildren, and every one of them is their own kind of wonderful.)
But you know what I don’t like about babies? They can’t tell you what’s wrong. They start to wiggle and cry, and you try burping and feeding and changing and walking and bouncing and swaying and nothing stops the tears. You desperately want to help them, if only you could figure out the problem.
Sometimes it’s like that with elders with dementia, too. Even if their verbal skills are intact, they may not be able to identify what’s bothering them. Do they need to go to the bathroom? Are they in pain? Are they hungry or thirsty? Lonely? Bored? Any numberer of issues could be the problem, and asking a million questions often leads to frustration unless you happen to hit on the issue right away.
Becoming a Sherlock Holmes of Communication
If communication has broken down and you aren’t sure why, it helps to know your elder. Do they usually need to use the washroom at this time of day? Did they eat a light breakfast and need a snack mid-morning? Maybe they love fresh air, and need to sit in the garden for a while. Is it mid-afternoon and they’re getting tired? Knowing your elder with dementia will help you find and meet the unmet need.
Don’t rush
It’s not only mobility issues which slow down an elder with dementia. Their hampered cognitive skills can turn things like getting dressed, personal hygiene, and even putting on a coat into a monumental task. It takes time to get ready for the smallest outing, and you do well to plan for that. Leave as much as double time to get to appointments. Rushing causes anxiety.
Give choice, but not too much choice
Asking “What would you like for lunch?” or “What would you like to wear?” is too much choice. Looking into a full fridge full of food can be overwhelming. The same issue arrises with a cupboard full of clothes. Instead, ask, “Would you like grilled cheese or a bowl of soup for lunch? Soup? We have tomato or chicken noodle. Which would you like?” This way, they are maintaining control without being overwhelmed.
Keep it simple
I used to hate those math problems which started with George travelling on a train going a certain speed and how long will it take to reach his destination? I don’t know George, and I don’t care when he gets there! Long instructions are daunting and impossible to follow for someone with dementia. “Could you get your sweater from upstairs and put your shoes on, and don’t forget your purse, and then we will go out.” One instruction at a time works best. “Mom, could you put on your sweater so we can go out?” And if the sweater is upstairs, you may need to bring it down first. Remember, you want to maintain respect and make them successful.
We’re on the same team
A collaborative effort is always best. “Someone stole my wallet!” is inflammatory, but when it’s met with, “That’s frustrating. Let me help you look. Maybe together, we can find it.” the fire goes out.
Communication with someone with dementia is a skill, but as you learn more, your relationship improves. More often your elder feels supported and heard, which is exactly what you want.